Letting go of perfection

In yoga today I was feeling discouraged because there were poses that I used to be able to do but currently can't and beating myself up about it, but then I was reminded that I'm healing both my body and soul and my journey is far from over.  Everyday I'm getting stronger and I can see how far I've come since the beginning of the semester.  I'm going in the right direction and even if I'm slow, I'll still get there. 

I've never really considered myself a perfectionist, though I do have my moments, but in yoga that's what we were talking about today, and I was totally guilty of it when it comes to exercising and eating healthy. If I messed up, I would beat myself up and completely fall apart.  Take for example this morning. It wasn't even that I was hungry, but while I was getting gas, I had the kids buy donuts, and when I ate it, it didn't even taste all that great. It was just habit, and my habits are slowly changing. I think because I've been trying to make better choices my body is noticing. So, I'm going to pick myself up off the floor and not wallow in self pity and make better choices today and keep going.

So it's been a while...

Things got crazy busy for a while but nothing really exciting was happening.  Certainly nothing I really wanted to write about.  This weekend however was awesome and I wasn't a hermit.  Friday I went over to a good friend's house and hang out for a game night.  I didn't get home till after 2am, which was great.  It was just very chill and I got to be myself.  I love hanging out with gay guys, they are just awesome and make me feel good about myself.  Saturday, I did all kinds of errands and then had a friend come over and we played catch up till 1am. Girl time was very much needed.  This weekend reminded me that I'm a social butterfly and I need to get out more. Sometimes I get too much in my head.

This semester I'm taking some free classes at SLCC, which is one of the benefits of working for a college. Because of by unique schedule right now, and my sincerest desire to lose weight, I chose to take 4 gym classes instead of the photography class that I really wanted to take.  It is for my mental and physical well being that I am taking yoga and cardio M/W and Tai Chi and strength training T/H. It's a good mix of core and full body workouts that will also help me with my flexibility.  After just one week I've already started to see some improvement in my flexibility which is good because with my knee as messed up as it is, I walk with a limp and my body is all kinds of out of whack.  But what really nice is that at lunch today, I went for a walk at work and did 2 small laps.  That is a HUGE improvement over what I've been able to do lately. Rehabilitation is hard work.

Usually when I start a healthy living routine, I feel like part of it is always missing.  I can either get the fitness part or the nutrition part, not together.  But I decided to change that, and I just bought a nice big freezer that I plan to fill with healthy and cheap meals that I prepare a head of time. I'm really just trying to change my life overall and each of these steps is moving me in the right direction.

On the flip side, when it comes to my writing endeavors, those have ground to a halt and I'm really struggling.  I'm sure it's because I can feel a depressive episode coming.  I'm trying to ward it off, but that's easier said than done.  If I can't get it under control, I'll go back on my meds.  In the meantime, I'm wasting a ridiculous amount of time. It's bad that I can get away with being able to have Netflix on at work.  I just need to make a concerted effort to stop this cycle of procrastination and take some time everyday, even if it's 15 minutes, because those baby steps will get me closer than I am right now.  Hopefully, being able to go to comic con this weekend will fill me up creatively.  Both the kids bought their own 3 day tickets. I didn't think I was going to be able to go, but I managed to score a free ticket for Friday.  Very exciting stuff for sure.

I'm trying to figure out how to keep all aspects of my life moving forward.  It's like if I've got one going in a good direction, everything else falls apart.  At least I'm now recognizing this and can do something about it.  I'm just going to keep moving forward one step at a time.