365 days of 40 #145 & 146

I'm really just to tired to write anything tonight, I'm still getting over bronchitis, but I think the fact that I made call backs for Fiddler on the Roof is pretty exciting.  Of course, having absolutely no voice to speak of made life interesting.  I read for Yente, and if I could keep the gravely voice, it would be perfect.  That in and of it self was crazy, but then the director asked who wanted to read for Golde, and I went ahead and read for that  part as well.   I read with someone reading for Tevye, which was fine.  That wasn't the insane part.  The insane part was that I attempted to sing with no voice.  I did manage to stay on key relatively well considering my challenges.  I really have no expectation of getting a part, though I really would like to get one.  I would be quite happy with Yente, but man, if only I could get Golde, that would be pretty amazing. I was up against seasoned actors who have worked with the director before. I know that as a director, I like working with people who I've worked with before, so I'm sure that will play into her decision.  I've never directed a musical before, and I don't know what she is looking for.   So while I wait to find out the verdict, I'm just going to be proud of myself for trying something that I never thought would be possible. 

365 days of 40 #144

I hope everyone had as wonderful a Christmas as I did.  I spent a great day with the kids before heading over and having an awesome ham dinner with the rest of the family.  It was so much fun to have the little boys with us. Everyday I'm praying for Tiffany to be able to adopt them.  They just fit. 

Anyway, my kids had a good day as well and I really know them. I managed to get them exactly what they wanted and then the best part was the biggest surprise, everyone is going to the Salt Lake Comic Con fan experience in April.  I got the best reaction ever.  We are so excited.

Now, everyone is tired and is very quiet, so I'm going to head to bed now.  I really do hope everyone had a very safe and Merry Christmas!!!

365 days of 40 #143

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve.  Seriously, the time has just flown by.  This is my 14th year as a parent at Christmas time, and I gets better every year.  Thankfully Santa has come and gone, so I can just lock the door and head to bed.  I'm exhausted.  More tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!!!

365 days of 40 #142

I have noticed that blogs I write on the computer are significantly longer than the ones on my phone, if no other reason, because I can type much faster.  Go figure.  Anyway, I just finished wrapping all of the Christmas presents, which is always fun.  My butt is numb, but it was worth it.  It was exciting to have gifts for the boys that Tiff has.  She is so excited to have their first Christmas with them and so am I. She and Matt are great parents, and I hope that she can officially adopt them in the coming year.  They just fit in our family. I know that all of us have become very attached.

It's really quiet tonight with the kids gone.  I'm glad that I'm going to have them for Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day. Our little family, humble though it is, really is fun.  I can't wait for them to open presents, the biggest gift of all is actually the smallest in size.  I love how looks can be deceiving.

Well it's time for bed now.  I'm completely wiped out.  First day back to work was long and this week is going to be really long as well, since I need to get in as many hours as I can before my impending unemployment. Not a real happy thought, but such is life.

365 days of 40 #141

Finally feeling well enough to go back to work tomorrow, so Yay for feeling better.  Not perfectly healthy, just well enough that I can muddle through the last 8 days of work I have before the end of the year.  Scary thought, but since it's the end of the year, there really isn't a whole lot that I can do about it now anyway, so I'm trying really hard not to dwell about it.  I'm figuring out a game plan for making the most of my time when I'm not working so that I can get things moving forwards with other aspects of my career.  I know that I really need to be working on my query letter, but right now, creating a bubble map for my next power 90 goal is making me far happier and isn't nearly as taxing on the brain as it is trying to write a letter.

What's nice that I can see that I can actually make this happen, but it's going to require me to do a lot of prep work, which isn't hard, it's the leap of faith afterwards that is scary.  It helps that I know what I'm doing next because momentum is key and in spite of being sick, I do have a lot of things that I'm looking forward to accomplishing next year.  The hardest part for me is going to be staying focused and not wandering off on some random tangent.  That is a pattern of failure that I don't want to repeat.  Of course, my next goal has several parts, but this time they are for the same project and not different ones.  That's been the problem that I've been running up against.  I just haven't been in the right headspace to tackle the content and outlines for the project formerly known as Shadowchaser.

There are so many changes to it, that it really just makes sense to take out that ring completely and move it all to the next goal.  For the rest of the year, I'm just going to focus on getting JAL prepped and ready to go out at the beginning of the year.  That means proofreading, content checks, maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get it read outloud so I can hear how it sounds.  I'm making a list of people that I know in the business and I'm going to ask them to pass it on and finally I'm going to working on the query letter emails to send out.  I want to have them all ready to go out right after the holidays.  Sending them out before the holidays is just an exercise in futility.  Since I have a lot of those in my life already, I want to minimize those as much as possible.

It's amazing how many ideas I get in the shower and today was no different.  I mapped out my goals for the next year and they are all entirely doable, as long as I stay focused, which seems so hard.  I just wish that I could download all of the plans, information, goals and other content directly from my brain to a hard drive.  It would make things so much cleaner.  If I ever hear about that kind of human / computer interface, I might just invest.

For now, I'm just going to close and go to bed.  I'm exhausted and the whole sleeping thing hasn't been going well the last few days.  Falling asleep while writing your blog is never a good sign either.

365 days of 40 #140

Thankfully I'm starting to feel better, but man, bronchitis is nasty.  I totally got knocked on my ass.  Yet another day of really not doing much, but since every time I get up, I cough up a lung and struggle to catch my breath, it's to be expected.  My brain is also starting to get unfogged which is nice, because while sometimes thinking is overrated, I prefer not to feel like a zombie.  Today had been another Chuck marathon, and I just finished season 4. Only 1 season left.  Man, this is an awesome show.  There isn't enough mainstream geeky humor around.  Sure,  Big Bang Theory is good, but I can't think of anything else.  More motivation for me to create my stuff.  Never did I think I would contemplate the idea if creating a comedy.  I just need to stop thinking I'm bad at doing things, because I'm a lot more capable than I give myself credit for.  But for tonight, I'm just gonna finish Chuck, and hopefully I'll be feeling more human and ready to tackle life and writing soon.

365 days of 40 #135 to 139

Bronchitis really sucks. I've been sick for several days and it has completely knocked me on my ass. Needless to say, doing anything productive has been off the table.  Two days ago, I couldn't even get out of bed.  Yesterday I barely made it out of bed, and I totally had to sleep on the couch last night so I could breathe.  Because of that, I did a Torchwood season 4 marathon. 

Today has been a Chuck marathon. My latest celebrity crush is Zachary Levi. Granted, I'm still saving myself for Nathan Filion, but since he doesn't actually know I exist, it's not like I'm cheating on him.  I totally have this thing for smart and geeky.  I wish I felt better though, do I could enjoy watching the eye candy. 

Hopefully tomorrow I can be more productive because I have some ideas for scripts, letters and Kickstarter stuff.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the goodness that is Chuck.

Yay for geeks. 

365 days of 40 #134

Still sick.  Blech. I wish I had something interesting to say, but I really don't. I didn't go to work and spent it in bed and when I did get up, I did laundry. I'm going to work tomorrow, which I'm not really excited about.  But I can't afford not to go.  Hopefully I'll hear something about the new job soon. Until then, I'm going to bed.

365 days of 40 #132 & 133

I went to church today, the first time in a couple of months.  It was nice.  I also got a calling, I haven't had one of those for a while.  Should be fun.  However, this biggest thing on my mind is that I'm getting sick.  I can feel it in my chest and when I cough.  So time for bed. Hopefully, getting sick is just a figment of my imagination. 

365 days of 40 #131

Today is Friday the 13th.  I'm pleased to say that it was relatively uneventful.  I wish I had something of particular interest, but aside from work, some grocery shopping and power 90, I really haven't done much. 

Well, that's not entirely true.  Power 90 had an interesting lesson. It was about playing to our strengths. We got broken into teams. The goal was to raise $30 in 30 minutes.  Our team decided to go to the mall and sell Holiday Hugs for $1. I can't say our idea was all that successful from a money making stand point, but from a confidence building stand point, it was pretty good.  I even got up in the middle of the food court and announced our intentions. People looked at me like I was insane, and now that I think about it, it's true.  I guess I'm getting really good at making a complete idiot or of myself, but we had fun.  :) Maybe I'll be able to stop the negative voices in my head and start to move past them and just do what needs to be done.

In the meantime, I'm vegging out on the couch watching TV.  I'm planning on being more productive tomorrow.  I have less than a month to get a whole lot of writing done.  Good times!!!

365 days of 40 #130

I managed to get about 1/2 my Christmas shopping done.  I still have a few more things that I need to get, but, yay! I'm getting close to being done.  I'm so tired, my brain is completely fried.  Crazy busy at work, and while I had hoped to get some writing done, between work and shopping, it just didn't happen.  I am really glad that I went to Walmart tonight because there were so few people there and I was able to take my time.  I just reread this blog post and it is so random, but I really don't care right now.  In the meantime, here's a new pic of me.  I think it's kinda cute, if I do say so myself.  :)

365 days of 40 #128, & 129

I've been laying in bed trying to figure out what to write and while I have a ton of things floating around in the deep dark recesses of my brain, none of them are even remotely interesting, which, come to think about it, is probably why nothing hit written yesterday.  That and the fact that I fell asleep.  So short and sweet tonight. 

365 days of 40 #125, 126, & 127

So, migraine headaches really, really suck.  On Saturday afternoon, I took a nap and woke up with the absolute worst headache I think I had ever had.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to nip it in the bud, and I was miserable for several hours.  I got the headache under control, fell asleep and woke up to the headache coming back.  Thankfully, it didn't last nearly as long. The problem is that I was left with a headache hangover.

I haven't had a hangover in a very long time.  I'm seriously too old for that. 

Needless to say, yesterday, I didn't get out of bed so when I tried to get going this morning, I was facing a gravity well that was almost bigger than my bed.  It's a good thing that I escaped it this morning, it was a close call.  It's now barely after 9pm and I'm ready to go to bed.  It's going to be a long week.

Man, I'm really getting old. 

365 days of 40 #124

Technology, if used correctly, can be used to bring you closer to your family.  My phone has been great for that, because it seems like lately, I'm curled up with one of my kids playing a game or watching a YouTube video or some other random thing that wouldn't have been possible without my phone. One of my goals has been to spend more time with them and I think this has been a unique way to go about it.  I don't ever remember doing anything life that with my mom. Granted, my mom and I had a very challenging relationship, 2 completely different individuals who saw the world in very different ways. I think because I'm pretty laid back about things, it's helped keep the kids pretty chill about things.  Tonight was M's turn.  We played a movie guessing game then a song guessing game.  We played for a good hour, just cuddled up under the covers, trying to stay warm.  Last night X and I watched nerf war videos. I'm hoping that I can continue to hanging out with them like this.

In the meantime,  I came up with another Web series idea, again, just a fictionalized version of my life with a different POV.  I have lots to do, but I feel confident,  certainly a lot more now than when this whole thing started.  :) it's a great feeling.

Today's picture is the moon and Venus shining close together. If only my camera could capture even one 10th of what my eyes do. 

365 days of 40 #123

Living an authentic life for me means that I'm goofy, neurotic, passionate and creative.  The last few days I've been able to do and be that.  I've felt an urgency to moving forward in my career choices and I've got a game plan coming together. I'm getting rid of all of my negative beliefs that have been holding me back and taking those leaps of faith that will get me to the next step on my journey to becoming a film maker.

The last few days have been about starting to get people on my team.  Today, I met with a graphic designer about designing my company logo for my production company as well as creating my whole brand identity.  Who in a million years would have thought that I could ever needed one of those.  I'm hoping to be able to go live with a kickstarter campaign in just a few months, but in order to accomplish that goal, I need to have all of my ducks in a row.  In the next week or so, I'm going to start a new blog about my show to start raising interest. It's going to be a challenge to raise $50,000. At  least that's what I think I need, as I get closer to budgeting things out, that number will probably change. 

It's an absolutely terrifying idea, but exhilarating at the same time. I've got ideas popping into my head left and right, some of them are even comedies which just seems bizarre, because I never thought of myself as funny, but maybe as I'm getting older, I'm getting more comfortable just being me. 

I'm just feeling so grateful about life, kids and future that nothing is ever going to hold me back, especially me, ever again. 

Besides, things are starting to heat up, certainly, much warmer than the temperature this morning.

365 days of 40 #122

Where to begin.  Right now, I'm laying in bed, nose stuffed up, half way between freezing and being hot and watching YouTube videos.  Yes, extremely busy and important stuff I assure you. 

Actually, it was a pretty good day.  Everyday, I'm making progress towards my power 90 goal, which makes me happy.  Even happier was cuddling up with X, watching funny hamster videos. I love my kids, they crack me up. 

I have no kids this weekend, so I'm not going to let life derail me.  I have a red phone mission that I need to finish, not to mention all of the other life stuff that needs to be done. Add to that Christmas shopping and I could very well get overwhelmed, but instead, I'm feeling excited.  The new year is only a few weeks away, and I've never been more looking forward to a fresh start than I am now.

Until then, I really need to shut my brain down and try to sleep. 

365 days of 40 #121

The day started off very white.  Yay for snow.  I did some kid stuff with Xander at school.  It's scary that we're talking high school next year.  Seriously, I don't know how that's possible.  I was only 75% functional at work.  I just felt drowsy all day and I had such a hard time focusing.  I'm sure that it had something to do with the fact that I've been thinking so much about my power 90 goal and my query letter that I'm working on.  In fact, tonight, Marquella and I spent time together working on a logline.  Amazing daughter that she is, even pulled up a logline for her favorite book.  She knew exactly what we needed.  We're not done, but we're definitely on the right track.  I need to figure out just how much I need to say.  I have one version that I really like, but it has more information than I need, but there is still important stuff,  so it's cut, rewrite, cut... Once that is done, then the next step is finishing the query letter, the logline is a huge part of it.  Every little bit counts as I move towards the end of my power 90 goal.

365 days of 40 #120

We had our power 90 class tonight, instead our normal Friday, but it was amazing.  It was about finding the right motivation to take that next step.  Mine was writing a one sheet, and there would be no TV or Internet - for the entire family until I got a rough draft done.  Since I really didn't want kids mad at me, I got my 1st draft done. It took me about 20 minutes.  Now I have something to edit and work on. Which means I'm one step closer to fulfilling my goal of getting an agent or manager.  I have another dead line looming, the contract that I thought was going through April or May is ending at the end of the month.  It's another stick to keep me moving.  But guess what, I'm moving. 

Besides, I'm a super hero now.  I'm Action Girl and I make kick ass movies.  Life is good.  :)

365 days of 40 #119

I wish I could say that I was effective and productive today, but I can't.  I had one of my famous, or rather infamous vertigo attacks.  One that knocked me on my ass. Needless to say, there was no writing done. I did however work on my research for what it would take to have a successful kickstarter campaign as well as looked into a variety of Web series as a way to figure out what I'm doing with things.  But I need to refocus and get back to the writing so that at the beginning of the year, I can launch a kickstarter campaign. Lots to do and it's exciting. I'm so close, I just need to focus on this goal and move forward.  Less than a month to go. 

365 days of 40 #118

I have decided drama only belongs on the big screen and not in my life, but since life doesn't really care what I think, is time for me to take matters into my own hands.  I've spent the day, or at least the time that I've been awake, researching how to do a webseries. I'm finding more and more information that is making me realize that I can do it.  I just need to get people on my team who believe in me. It's possible to actually pursue a career as an independent film maker and there has never been a better time to do it.  I wish that I would have been less afraid before, but timing is everything.  Between the power 90 course and my brief stint at Amex, my confidence has grown leaps and bounds.  My kids are also at the age where I can have them actively and meaningfully participate in the process. I'm excited.  2013 has been pretty good, but 2014 is gonna rock!!!!

365 days of 40 #117

Today, I was reminded how much I'm so glad that I'm not a teenager.  X's best friend got kicked out of his house and showed up here.  I'm so grateful that I told him that he would always have a safe place and that he felt comfortable coming here.  I remember how emotional it was being that age and sometimes I needed a break from my mom, so I totally get it.  He's a good kid and he and X are good for each other.  Being part of a family can be so hard, but I'm glad that mine is a safe place for my kids and their friends.

365 days of 40 #116

Today was Thanksgiving, and it was great to be able to spend time with my kids as well as the rest of my family.  It started off really really because we needed to get baking done, so M got me up really early.  Far earlier than I was expecting or even realized.  It was a blast though. She and I made pumpkin pies and stuffing.  She did a lot of the work and I'm so proud of her.  Then I realized it was only like 11a so I laid down and took a nap.

At my mom's house there was much food, fun and laughs, though there were a few tears.  X and one of the twins sometimes have a hard time getting along so we had to deal with some hurt feelings, but then life was good again.  The end of the day was fun, we went down to tiffs house and watched Dear Dumb Diary, which was the film that both X and M were in earlier this year.  We played spot the kid, and saw both of them. 

So as this day of thanks draws to a close, I'm going to give thanks for my kids who make my life better than I ever thought possible.  The rest of my family,  my sister, her hubby and soon to be kids and my mom are also so important to me.  I have wonderful friends as well.  Despite all of the challenges, my life is really good. 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

365 days of 40 #115

So apparently, I fell asleep last night while writing my blog and unfortunately it didn't get saved which really irks me.  Anyway, I had my "tator time" meeting with Heidi and it was awesome.  Basically, it's a one on one counseling session to hone in on the goal you set for your power 90 goal.  It really helped me get back on track, but also expand what I'm doing in my next power 90 goal, so I don't lose momentum. 

I had been struggling with my TV show idea, feeling completely uninspired with it, which started me day dreaming about a new Web series idea.  As I was looking into kick starter as a way to possibly fund it, I had new inspiration about my TV series idea, which included the idea of doing it as a Web series as well.  Needless to say, I'm feeling really good about finishing my power 90 goal and keeping my momentum going.

Because one of my patterns of failure in the past has been jumping from idea to idea and never finishing anything, I wanted to avoid that, but I didn't want to lose my new idea.  I learned some tricks that will help me finish what I start even as I am constantly coming up with new ideas. 

As I had prepared for my meeting, my brain had been on complete over drive. I was a ball full of energy about ready to explode and I had absolutely no focus.  During my meeting, we looked at what I still needed to do and how to tie in my new inspiration. We were able to focus all of the energy. Instead of being all over the place, I became laser focused.  I'm really grateful for being tied into a system that will help me succeed.  For the first time in a long time, I'm more than just hopeful about my chances of success.  I have a game plan and someone to be accountable to.  I also have a support system full of people who want me to succeed.  It's nice to not feel completely insane because of my goals.  I'm starting to feel more and more like a film maker as opposed to just a dreamer. 

Life is good.

365 days of 40 #114

It was an extremely long day at work. Between meetings and on the phone meetings, and an 11 hour day,my brain really hurts. It was almost 9 when we got home and I discovered that my mom delivered Christmas early and  I got the best present ever. It's my favorite one I get, a year's supply of paper products and cleaning supplies. Seriously, it's awesome, because there is nothing worse than being in the middle of going to the bathroom and discovering you're or if TP. Tomorrow is another busy day, but thankfully, I don't have to go to work till Friday.  It's an extra 2 days I get to relax and hang with my kids.  Granted, we have some cleaning and baking to do, but then we spend the rest of the week relaxing.  Once the kids are back at their dad's, I'm sans kids and I'm going to focus on writing.  I've decided, because I'm making myself crazy with my TV show, I'm going to break it up by also working on my Web series.  I feel really good about that, especially since I'm feeling some serious pressure to have a lot to show by the end of the year.  I'm tired of waiting, they are no excuses.  I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to do the power 90 class, it's been truly life changing.  Now it's time for bed so I can be productive tomorrow.

365 days of 40 #113

I'm getting back on track with everything, which with the holidays is going to make life just more exciting.  Between news that I received at work and the idea for my Web series floating around in my head, I know that I've been distracted.  I'm sure that it's just the familiar old beliefs that I'm fighting.  This last power 90 class was about finding a new belief that will keep me going and take the place of the old.  In this case, my old belief is that "I'm not good enough, no one will ever want to hire me, no one will every want to be with me." In a word,  rejection.  It's a constant battle to fight the fear of rejection which is why it's been so hard for me to send my scripts out.  "What if they don't like it?" I'm working on saying, "who cares what THEY think?" I have too many people in my life who care about me.  I don't need to worry about "they".

Anyways, during the class we constructed a representation of the old belief. Using play dough of all things, but it was very effective.  Then we got to burn and bury them.  I'm really looking forward to not facing that old belief any more.  Then we worked on a new belief.  Mine was that I'm loved and accepted.  We used play dough again and created a new representation of our belief, hence today's picture of the heart.

My heart. 

It's pretty cinna-spice-a-licious, if I do say so myself.  Cinna-spice-a-licious is my new word that will remind me just how awesome I am.  And it really does work.  Yesterday I was feeling not bad, but not great any was close to heading down a wrong path.  My new word popped into my head and I had an  immediate smile on my face.

So here's to being cinna-spice-a-licously awesome.

365 days of 40 #109 to 112

I've been in complete avoidance mode with my blog, and I have absolutely no reason why.  I think I've just been a little overwhelmed with life.  I'm getting back into the groove of things and getting my rear into gear. I know I owe myself a good long blog, but I have too much stuff to finish before bed to give it the time and attention it deserves.  I had some news that I wasn't quite expecting, and it's thrown me for a loop, so I'm taking some time to re evaluate my options and how I can make my power 90 goal work for me.  So, back to the grindstone.  Lots to do and less time to do it in. 

365 days of 40 #108

So, apparently I was really tired.  One minute I was sitting on my bed reading something on my phone, the next I wake up and it's 3am. I so totally don't remember even falling asleep.  Crazy.  So needless to say, my replay of my ropes course will have to continue tomorrow.  In the meantime, I've started getting ready for Christmas which makes me happy, except for having lights that don't work, even though last year I took great care to store them carefully.  Stupid lights.  Oh well, life is good, I need to remember that.

365 days of 40 #109

When we got back from lunch we split into 2 teams.   My team first went to “The Anchor”, which was a hanging log that was chained to a tree.  The object of the exercise was to get everyone onto the log, balance it and sing “Row row row your boat”.  It took a little while, but we managed to get it done.  Then it was time to change and we walked to the giant swing.  Which is exactly what it was, a giant swing.  You get all strapped in and then your teams pulls on a rope and pulls you all the way up.  Once you get to the top, it’s time to state your objectives and then let go.

I was extremely nauseous and had to close my eyes, but it allowed me to center myself and focus. 
 

365 days of 40 #107

Help! I’ve fallen and you know what, I can get up.

That’s my new motto after this last weekend’s rope course adventure when I literally fell, and not just a little fall.  It was a pretty spectacular one.  I have the bruises to prove it.

A bit of background, a ropes course is a series of challenges designed not only to test one physically but mentally as well and part of my Power 90 program is a ropes course.  Our assignment going into the course was to pick the biggest hang up or challenge that we’ve been facing when it comes to accomplishing our Power 90 goal, which in my case has been to finish 2 screenwriting projects that have been just floating around close to being done, but for whatever reason, I haven’t finished.  My 2 hang-ups were #1 that “I’m not good enough” and #2 that I have all of this energy, but it’s not focused in any one direction, so energy is wasted.  

So as we pulled up to the ropes course a very early and snowy Saturday morning, I really had no idea what to expect.  I’d heard stories, but it’s not until you actually see it that it sinks in.   Our first activity was more of a brain teaser than anything particularly physical, but it was a way for us to start working together.  The 2nd activity was much more challenging.  We had to get 17 people crowded on one small platform to an even smaller platform across a “pit of dragon guano” that would kill us instantly if we touched the ground.  The only means of transportation was a rope hanging from a tree.  Needless to say, this is where things started getting interesting or painful, depending on how you look at it.

Things started off fine, we had a couple of young kids who could just fly across and help everyone at the landing.  We got 6 or 7 across without any incident, and then it was my turn.  Now I’m not at all athletic, you could even say that I’m challenged.  Seriously, I tore my meniscus walking down the stairs, so I had my work cut out for me.   Everyone was helping me get secured on the rope when someone lost their grip on me and I started swinging across.

Now as much as I would like to think that I’m as cool as Joan Wilder in Romancing the Stone when she swings across the gorge, that’s just not me.  I only got about ½ way across when I got spun around and lost my grip and fell.

Hard.

I landed on my hip and back then smacked the back of my head.  It was all I could do to lay there because I was beyond dazed.  Thankfully I never lost consciousness.  As I got up and hobbled off to the side, it was dead silent.  Everyone was stunned almost as bad I was.  But it was also the moment when the tone of the entire day changed.  I think for the better.  The entire group became more focused and there was an attitude of no one is going to be left behind.  Everyone was much more conscious as they took their time getting people on the rope.  

It took me several minutes to get back up and moving, but I wanted to finish the challenge.  That was the moment when I realized that it doesn’t matter how hard I fall, or how many bruises I get or how battered I am, I can get up and I can keep going, even if I’m in pain or moving really, really slow.  Knowing that it was going to be really too hard for me to cross on the rope, I took advantage of the “golden shoes” that I was awarded and took hold of the rope and walked across.  Everyone greeted me as enthusiastically as if swung across.   I was able to finish the challenge, even if it wasn’t exactly how I imagined.

The next challenge was a 2-parter.  The first one was done silently, which was kind of cool.  Everyone took turns lying down on the ground and we lifted them up.  I have to admit, when it was my turn, I kept thinking, “please don’t drop me, please don’t drop me”.  Thankfully, I wasn’t dropped and it was even cool to be lifted up by everyone.  The next part was even more challenging.  It was the Trust Fall. 

And I was absolutely terrified.   Thank goodness for my buddy, Christine and Doug.  I needed and got a lot of hugs.  By the time I climbed up onto the top of the stump, I was shaking.  It was really hard.  Even now as I think about it, I’m getting all teary.  I knew that everyone was there, waiting to catch me, but it required me to let go of pretty much everything.  But I did it. :)

Of course when I landed, I was apologizing to everyone, because I was afraid I hurt them.  Instead, everyone was telling me how proud they were of me and I felt really loved and taken care of.  It was a good reminder: I’m not alone, and I have people who really do love and care about me.   I’m also more capable than I often give myself credit for.  For me, it’s easy to not judge other people, but it’s really hard for me to not judge myself. 

After that, we had a lunch break.  Gotta love Wendy’s.  But the nice thing was that, people were still worried about me and kept checking on me to make sure that I was okay. 

So that's the end of part 1. I'll finish the test of my tale tomorrow. 

365 days of 40 #106

I need one more day to recover. Today I've been so sore I can hardly move.  I just took some pain killers that are knocking me out and in the process making me really loopy.

365 days of 40 #105

Today was the ropes course for power 90 and it was amazing.  I have so much to write about, but I'm am so tired and sore that I need time to process it all, so long post tomorrow.  One of the biggest things that I did come away with was that even if I fall and I may be battered and bruised, I can still get up and keep going. 

365 days of 40 #104

The saying from Alice in Wonderland comes to mind, "we're all a little mad in here." With a mild case of bi polar, I do experience some mood swings, and right now I'm in a manic mode.  I've been extremely creative at both home and work and I've been working on my power 90 goals which in turn has my brain going a million miles an hour and I have ideas flying at me continually.  Thankfully, I don't do too much stuff that will cause me grief later.  I did a bit of retail therapy yesterday and bought 4 pairs of shoes.  I suppose that might be extreme, but I did it after paying all of my bills.  A very responsible thing to do if I do say so myself.  :)

The problem is, when I get like this, all of the ideas are such a jumble in my head and it's hard for me to focus. It's the whole getting the ideas out of my head and onto paper or computer or whatever medium is available.  I really wish there was a brain-computer interface.  It would make my life so much easier.  Earlier, I was so wound up I could barely function. I did discover though, that if I can talk to someone, I can get rid of some of the energy and even just that little bit helps me mellow out. 

I've been in a rather depressed state for so long that I forgot what it was like to be in a manic state. It's pretty cool, but at the same time I can completely understand how this can make someone feel like they are losing their mind.  My case is rather mild all things considered, but my heart goes out to people that have more severe cases.  It can be debilitating.  It's crazy what a bit of insanity can do in and to your life. 

365 days of 40 #103

Apparently I'm in denial, yesterday was Xander's birthday. He turned 14. I guess I just wasn't ready to deal with that fact. We weren't really able to celebrate his birthday until tonight, but last night the two of us the spent some time just talking about everything. Walmart may not be the most exciting place, but it is a pretty cool place to go and have conversations with no other care in the world. Sometimes the best presents don't cost any money, it's just the time that you're willing to spend and invest in your child.  Both of my kids are helping me become a better parent everyday.

Tonight we had an awesome dinner and spend time together as a family. It's been pretty cool to see how amazing my children are becoming. I have the sweetest kids ever and I know how lucky I am. We have our struggles, but they make my life worth living. I wouldn't have it any other way. :-)

365 days of 40 #102

I hate it when I go into avoidance mode.  I'm working on my TV script and in the last week or so, I had an idea pop into my head and I've totally been hung up on it and I could probably even make it happen as a Web series which I would think would be a blast and I could even find it next year.  I just need to stay focused on my power 90 goal and get this one done. I'm over halfway done.  Crazy to think that.  Just need to write the idea down and keep plugging away.  I have much to look forward to in the next few months.

365 days of 40 #101

The last couple of days I've shut down when I got home.  Between work being crazy, in a completely good way, and trying to recover from the insanity of last week, when I was finishing my screenplay, I've needed a break.  As a family we discovered a new show on Netflix, "Chuck" and it's my new favorite show.  But it's time to get back on track and work on my own tv show.  Besides, if I don't, I'm going to spontaneously combust.  The sexual frustration that I'm feeling is making more than slightly crazy.  I might as well channel that energy into something productive and not let it go to waste.  Of course, I worry about the safety of the person the next time I go on a date. Hopefully, they won't mind too much.  ;)

365 days of 40 #100

Yet another land mark post, simply because I've hit 100. Or at least that's what I should say about the whole thing, but aside from keeping busy with work, kids and plugging away on my power 90 goal, life is really good.  Despite all of my hangups and neurosis, I'm really happy and excited because I know I'm moving forward.  So for the next 100 days I get to look forward to taking the next steps on my journey knowing that I'm exactly where I need to be.  :)

365 days of 40 #98 and 99

This weekend was good, but I was so tired that I crashed hard and while I did get stuff done, I didn't get my blog written.  It is now 6am and I'm so tired, I just want to go back to sleep, but work calls. It's time to get back to business and work on shadow chaser. Good stuff. 

365 days of 40 #97

So I finished.  My goal was to finish by 7pm and I finished at 6:25. It was very intense and my brain hurts.  The best part though was that I set a goal and did it.  I hit my blue ring and got to ring the bell.  It was glorious.  It's hard to believe I started this journey just 6 weeks ago. Success is contagious, you get a taste and you want to do it again.  It's time to start working on my red ring, which means finishing the TV show Bible and pilot for  Shadow chaser. 

It's time for bed, but before I do, here is a cute picture of the 2 kittens that I fed earlier tonight.  I'll try and get them to come home with me some other time, though hopefully before it gets too dang cold.

365 days of 40 #95 and 96

Last night I crashed, I was so freaking tired.  Tonight, I'm less than 2 pages from finishing this script.  My brain really hurts.  Just stuck on this last scene, though oddly enough, not the end. Funny how that happens.  Keeping it short.  Too busy for much more than that.

365 days of 40 #94

I'm ssssooooo close to finishing my script and I was hoping to finish it tonight, but my brain has hit overload and I'm starting to get really loopy.  As much as I wanted it done this last weekend, I'm going to this week, hopefully tomorrow. It's amazing what having a concrete plan does to help.  Being accountable to someone is also quite helpful.
Before I started power 90, finishing my script was just something I wanted to do.  Now it's a reality.  I wish I'd found this system years ago, but I have to remember that it's happening now because I was ready for the message. Timing is everything. 

Blue ring here I come!!!!

Other bonus, I voted today.  So yay me. 

365 days of 40 #93

This blog post will be short and sweet. I'm having way too much fun writing my script.  I'm seeing that its quite possible for me to finish the script in the next couple of days. Thank goodness for writing scenes that just needed to be placed in a different spot. :-)

In the meantime I'm looking forward to having snow on the ground tomorrow. I've been watching the snow line move down the mountains which is always interesting. So here is a picture of the snow line / cloud cover from this afternoon. Hopefully tomorrow it will be even lower. :-)

365 days of 40 #92

Today has been a delightfully productive day of torturing my characters.  Always good for a smile.  I've also had my good guy do something extremely morally ambiguous which is going to cost him for a while.

*sigh*  I love being a writer.

Besides, if I'm going to bleed as a writer, all my characters are going to join me. :)

365 days of 40 #91

I wasn't nearly as productive as I was hoping to be.  I just felt ridiculously distracted.  Every time I was working in the script, my mind just wandered.  The whole day has felt like that, I can't seem to focus on anything.  So tomorrow is going to be a busy day.  Much to get done.  Hopefully my brain will just shut down tonight and let me work through my story problems subconsciously.

365 days of 40 #90

So according to my calculations, I've been 40 for 90 days.  It doesn't seem possible.  So much has happened to me of late, truly good things, that is really hard to believe.  When I started this, I wasn't really sure where I was going with it, other than track my journey and I must say I've been really glad that I have.  It couldn't have been clearer than tonight.  I was and still am, completely exhausted.  This week has been insane, but in a good way.  I was reminded that my desire to live in a state of gratitude has affected my life for the good.  Sure, I'm having struggles, everyone does, but attitude makes such a huge difference in how you deal with the struggles.  I think turning 40 has made me really appreciate all of the wonderful people and other things in my life.  So as I embark on my next 90 days of 40, I'm going to let this attitude of gratitude continue and try to share it with my kids and everyone else who I meet. After all, it only takes a single spark to start a fire, and maybe my spark can change the world.

365 days of 40 #89

Happy Halloween!!! Tonight was awesome.  I got to go trick or treating with my kids and Tiff and her adorable kiddies.  I love being able to spend time with my family.

365 days of 40 #88

Completely brain dead. Must sleep. Perhaps I'll dream of quails.

365 days of 40 #87

I'm just now getting home from work.  Yes, it really is 11pm.  16 hour day today.  Lots of stuff was done, but I'm exhausted.  But dinner was awesome.  My team went to a freaking nice restaurant, and I had a hunk of steak.  I had also had a tarot card reading.  Very interesting, something I need to think more about.  For now, it's bed time.