Awesome Memorial day!

This weekend, I've been house sitting for my boss.  It has a few perks, not the least of which is the fact that he lives on a small lake and has a canoe.  Yesterday, Mandy, my neighbor and her kids came down for the day and all of the kids got to go out on the canoe and generally much fun was had.  We only had to make to rescue attempts.  X and J went out and the wind pushed them to the far side of the lake and it kept them running around in circles.  Mandy and D got on the boogey boards and swam out to get them. Then later in the afternoon, M, after tired of being ignored by the boys, decided to go a for a short ride by herself.  Unfortunately, she got a little farther out and got stuck on the exact opposite side of the lake.  Another rescue mission was in order.  X and D got on the boogey boards and swam for it.  It was a little hair raising, but the boys were so excited when they got to other side and got M unstuck from the reeds and brought her back home.  M was distraught 'cause she had been stuck, the boys were ecstatic that they could be heroes.  

Mandy and I also had a chance to relax and just chill out.  We spent a lot of time just sitting in the chairs out back just watching the lake.  It was a great day to have some down time and just reconnect and have relax.  We did some dream building and some game planning.  It was nice to try and figure things out and see figure some stuff out. :)

So as my family and I were able to relax and have an enjoyable day, its time to thank all those who served our country to make sure that we could be safe.  On this Memorial Day, many thanks to all of the veterans who have served this great country.  Your sacrifices will never be forgotten.

Homework avoidance part deux!

Well it's not so much homework that I'm avoiding so much as it's writing my story that I'm avoiding.  So ironically I'm writing to avoid writing.  At least I'm not watching television, 'cause this is at least going to help me get into the mood to write.  I hope.

I'm really excited about this weekend.  The kids and I are going to house sit for my boss.  He lives on a small private lake and we get to hang out, do some fishing maybe, use the canoe and generally just get away from things in Daytona and have a mini vacation.  I'm all about that.  I desperately need a vacation and if I can't fly anywhere, this is the next best thing.  What will be nice is that on Sunday, my neighbor Mandy and her kids will be coming down and spending the day and we'll get to hang out and generally just relax.  It's been a long time since I've gotten to do that.

Of course, as I'm writing this, I just remembered that I have a sink full of dishes that I'll need to get done in the morning before we leave, because I so don't want  deal with them when I get home.  Thankfully the rest of the house is in really good shape.  It shouldn't take much more than 15 or 20 minutes to just straighten everything up.  I had planned on doing it today, but I ended up taking a nap.  Just totally dragging, which is annoying.  I have too much to do.  Oh well.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about my problems lately and they can really be broken down into two types.  Ones that require therapy of some kind and ones that require money.  Right now, approximately 90% of my problems are related to money, or rather lack of money.  The other 10% would be greatly improved if I had money because I could tackle them and eliminate most of my stress.  I think people seriously under estimate the power of money, especially when they don't have any.  They go on and on about how pious they are or they act like a martyr because they don't have any money.  Neither of those attitudes are generally helpful.  They say things like "money is the root of all evil".  I beg to differ.  It's the love of money that is a problem.  Look at someone like Sandra Bullock.  She has massive quantities of money and is very generous with it, because she's grateful for her abundance. 

I want to be better at giving, but right now, it's scary because I have so little.  It's probably my biggest weakness.  Fear that somehow, my kids will live without, but I know better than that.  In my church, one of the big things is paying tithing.  I suck at it.  But I also know that if I pay tithing it will come back tenfold.  It's fear.  I can't believe how debilitating fear can be.  The other thing I want to work on is service, but it's one of those things where I get so overwhelmed, I don't know how to cope.  I can barely get the things done in my life that I need to get done that I feel that if one more thing is added to my plate, everything that is so carefully balanced will come crashing down around me. 

Once school is done, I think a lot of my time will be freed up and while working on my goals, I will also work to become a more service oriented person and one that is freer with money.  Of course I also know the more money that I have the more giving I am.  It's a lot easier.  Oh well.  I'm not perfect.  Thankfully I have time to keep working on it. 

And now, I think it's time to get back to finishing my story.  Not sure how much time I'm going to have tomorrow or Sunday which is when it's due.  I'd rather have most of it done tonight so that I can just play. 

Friends are forever...

I know that I should totally be working on my story and frankly I don't want to right now. I need to get into the right mind set and get all the excess jabber floating around in my head out. First off, I can't believe how much I have been writing lately. It's crazy, just none of it is for scripts or stories right now. Or rather not a lot or enough of it is. I've just been so blocked with even putting words on a page that I haven't been to concentrate on stuff. For the first time in forever, I just feel so completely at peace about things and so excited about how well things have been happening in my life. Knock on wood. :) I just feel so good!!!

I'm also feeling completely hyper. I just got off the phone with my oldest and dearest friend, Jenn. It's been forever since we talked and yet it's like it was no time at all. I've known her for over 20 years, wow, I can't believe that. We were discussing her 17 year old son and all of a sudden, I felt really REALLY old. I remember when he was born. Man time flies. Anyway, it was just so good to talk to her. Every time I talk to her, which isn't nearly often enough, we pick right up where we left off. We're both busy with kids, life and the million other things that we have to do but it's a shame that we let so much time pass between visits. What I love now, is that I talk to her daughter a lot, I'm rather her like her adopted aunt and I love it. She's becoming a teenager and I can't believe that. I like being able to talk to her about growing up and I can be a friend. That relationship really means the world to me.

Through Facebook, I've been able to get into contact with a lot of friends from high school and it's been exciting to see how people have grown up. With all the different lives and paths that people have chosen, it's amazing to see where people have ended up. While it's impossible to relive those years (in some cases I'm sure that's a really good thing), its cool to be able to have those connections with people.

I'm all about connections. While lately, I've been so busy with school and kids, it's been nice to make some new friends and that has been awesome. It's taken a while because starting over is really hard to do. I can honestly say that I've met some wonderful people that I'm so grateful for and having them in my life. I know I'm getting all mushy. I just can't help it. It's just important to make and maintain those connections, they are what bring joy and happiness to life. While I love my kids with all my heart, there are things that I get from friendships that I can't get from my kids. It's just what life is all about.

Anyway, enough mushiness. Time to write my story for a little while before going to bed. I have a crazy weekend ahead of me. It's gonna be awesome. :)

Learning to be kind...to myself...

I just watched an episode of Robot Chicken. It's rude, crude and socially unacceptable and I find that I am quite fond of it. It totally makes me laugh. I watch it when I just need a little bit of downtime and tonight my brain was completely fried. Don't get me wrong, it was a great day at my internship and I'm looking forward to working with Xander in his scout troop, but it was just a freaking long day. Driving to Orlando doesn't help, it's a long drive everyday, but right now, it's what I need to do to be successful so I'm willing to pay the price.

Anyway, at my internship, we started pitching “The Chefsters”, it's a new kids tv series that we're looking for advertising partners for. For the last several weeks, we've been working on researching and putting together our pitch so that we can sell the show and today was game day. My boss was thrilled because out of 11 calls, I was able to send out 3 of our one sheets, which is really great odds, he usually expects a 20 to 1 ratio. The last one was awesome because they were already asking for prices which was completely unexpected, but totally awesome. My goal is really kick some but and whatever I sell, I get a commission and that is money that could really help me fulfill my goals of not having to work for a while so I can really work on my screenplays and get some movies made. It's very exciting stuff!

In other film making related news, I know that I wrote that “Action!!!” made it into another film festival out in LA and I REALLY want to go, but money is really tight. It would just be nice to get out of Florida for a few days. Not that I don't like Florida, but I think this is really the longest I've gone without going someplace. Even a road trip. I'm kinda dying. I definitely need some kind of adventure in my life. Granted, I have school and stuff so ideally, I should really wait until I'm finished, but at the same time, this is a good opportunity. We'll just have to see what happens and make the best of it, though I am feeling rather optimistic about things overall.

I can feel the tide changing in my life, but when the tide comes in things are really crazy and boy, I can also feel that. The kids only have 8 school days left which is all well and good, but we have something ever weekend with their rehearsals, which means crazy busy weekends. I have school twice a week for the next 4 weeks. Xander's scout troupe (all 2 of them, their mothers and even a couple of sisters) are planning a camping trip one weekend. I need to plan Marquella's birthday party that I promised her, if I'm lucky, go to LA, still take all my classes and go to my internship and then try and spend time with the kids before they leave for Utah for a few weeks. Needless to say, June is going to make me slightly crazy as I try and get everything done. I may want to pull my hair out and will probably yell a time a two to get things done and when it's all said and done, I'll probably sleep for the month of July but I am feeling good that things will be accomplished when they need to be.

What I find absolutely amazing is how much stuff I get accomplished when I have so much to do. I may work to a deadline, but 90% of the time, I make my deadlines, even if I wonder how in the heck I'm gonna make it. I just read an article that talks about the difference between a procrastinator and an incubator. A procrastinator waits till the last minute and then asks for an extension or turns in crappy work. An incubator waits till there is a deadline looming and then feels motivated by the deadline and turns in great stuff or at least pretty darn good stuff. That would definitely sum up last semester, especially in my history class. It was probably the hardest one I had ever taken with an incredible amount of reading and writing. I still managed to get a B+ in the class. Not to shabby I think, all things considering.  For me, I spend so much brain time thinking about something that by the time I sit down to write or do something else (ie homework), I already know what I want to do and I just get it done.

I also know that I have to stop beating myself up for not doing everything on my list. I know that it is extremely hard for me to write and do schoolwork, though when I was taking a screen writing class, I did push through and write a feature length screenplay over a semester. But for me, when I have too many distractions, its really hard for me to be be creative. Once school is off my plate, that will help free up a lot of brain energy and let me focus back on being creative. Timing is everything and while I am setting goals, I need to enjoy the moment and realize that I am moving forward. I don't have to do everything now, even if it feels like I should be able to.

Time to go to sleep now, to take care of my health so tomorrow I can get up and get homework done so that this weekend I can enjoy it with my kids. We are going to have an awesome weekend, it will be great!

“Suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope.”

~Romans 5:3-4

“Goals are dreams with deadlines.”

~Diana Scharf Hunt

New beginnings...

I decided it's finally time for me to start writing in this blog, after all, I started it years ago. For a long time I kept a blog on Myspace, but it's been forever since I've been on there so obviously it's been a while since I blogged on it. I am now keeping a blog on another site, but it's still private or should I say anonymous. It's my journey to get my weight under control and right now, I don't really want anyone I know to read all my whining about being pathetic and all that. Granted there were a few other things on there, but that one is mostly weight loss and since life has been crazy, I haven't updated that for a while simply because the whole weight loss thing hasn't been going very well. I've been doing a blog for my job on Facebook, called “Diary of an Intern” but things have been so crazy hectic there, that I haven't had a chance to write anything for it for a while, though this week I should write another one, it's time. I'm back to doing my morning pages as I'm doing the Artist's Way again and holy cow, it's been amazing the stuff that I've been writing. Lots has been on my mind, but it's taken to writing those pages to get it all down. Still long ways to go, but it's started. It's time for me to get back to my blogging.

Which brings me back to this blog. You would think that I've got enough blogs floating about, but apparently I don't. This one will be for all of the people that used to read my blog on Myspace and maybe a few new people along the way.

I think for a long time, all the words got kinda plugged up. I couldn't seem to write anything at all, no stories or blogs or journal entries, nothing. It was bad last semester, especially since I was in a writing class and couldn't seem to come up with any ideas at all. I couldn't get find the words let alone get the words out. Everything was just locked. I knew something needed to change which is why I decided to go back to doing the Artist's Way. The first assignment that you have to do is write 3 pages every morning, just random train of thought and all of a sudden, once I started, I couldn't stop and the words have been pouring out ever since. I needed to get rid of all of the negative thoughts that were inside my head so I could move on and go back to doing what I'm best at, writing.

For the first time in a long time, I'm totally psyched about writing, especially working on my screenplays. I'm sure that the fact that I'm graduating in less than 11 weeks has something to do with that. School is amazingly good at sucking all of the creative juices out, even for someone who has a minor in writing. In the last few days, I've set myself a game plan in motion for the next year in a variety of areas, really designed to help me finish up all the loose ends in my life and get ready to tackle the next part of my journey of life.

It's nice, I don't feel like I'm in limbo anymore. For several years, I just felt like I was floating around and even though there were things I wanted to do, I was completely unfocused and just didn't know exactly what was going on in my life to get to the next step. I'm sure a lot of that stemmed from the fact that I was still trying to recover from my divorce. It seemed like just as I was starting to feel like normal about my life and getting over the divorce when 2009 happened. Let's just say I'm glad that year is over and not dwell on any more negativity about it. I'm done being a victim. Everyone has shit that happens to them, but it's really how you deal with everything that shows your true character.

2010 has been an interesting year so far and now that I'm almost ½ through it, I can honestly say it's far better than it was last year.

School is almost done, I have a great internship and learning a ton of stuff with that and hopefully will even make some money soon. In the next two weeks I am going to finish one and hopefully two one sheets (which basically sum up my scripts so that I can get funding for them). It's amazing how hard they are, but I feel confident in my ability to carve something out. Action!!! is starting to make the rounds on the festival circuit which is exciting and we just got word that it will be in a comedy festival out in LA which is very exciting. So school and career stuff seems to moving along at an acceptable pace.

My love life on the other hand leaves something to be desired. I'm working hard to get over my ridiculous obsession as I have grown completely annoyed with unrequited love. It's time to work on finding someone who actually wants to be with me. What a concept I know. Not sure if I can handle it, but should make life definitely more interesting. Though for at least the next 11 weeks, I'm content to stay single. Just don't have the time. Of course, I won't turn down a date with Nathan Fillion should the opportunity arise. :)

Life is feeling pretty darn good these days. That's certainly not to say that I don't feel completely overwhelmed and frustrated when things don't go my way, but I'm working hard on not dwelling on them. Life happens, deal with it. Time to stop letting all the little annoyances of life stop my from moving forward with my life. I have completely amazing kids who bring so much more joy than I ever could have imagined. I have great, uplifting friends who inspire me to continually better myself and excited because I'm making many more friends who are bringing out the best in me. While I haven't completely outgrown Daytona Beach, I know the time is coming, but not yet. Right now, I'm quite content to stay here for a while as I flex my muscles and get ready to branch out and move on.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

~Mark Twain