365 days of 40 #58

Another great power 90 day.  My buddy came over and we had lunch and worked on our project green light packets.  Mine is almost done, I just need a little bit of assistance to figure out thitgoals, ast bit. 

I've also figured out how to quantify my goals.  They are definitely a stretch, but not going to kill me.  They are all related, so I won't feel like I'm going in a million different directions running around like a chicken with my head cut off. 

My next two sets of power 90 goals are also solidified and I feel like my goal of directing my first feature is doable. 

I guess today was all about the whys and why nots and making sure my reason is big enough to motivate me to finish.  It's still terrifying to think about everything, but not actually doing my goals is even scarier.   I'm going to learn how to better manage my time,  which is something I desperately need to well. 

The sunrise from this morning just gave the day a great start.  Anything is possible.

365 days of 40 #57

Day 3 of my power 90 journey was awesome.  I had an amazing and insightful conversation with my buddy.  Both of us were struggling with defining our goals and scope.  Both of us were able to talk through our fears, doubts, our "how in the world are we going to accomplish this" and we were both able to get some clarity. 

I was able to narrow my focus but still know that what I will do will be a stretch.  I broke down my list into some more manageable chunks, focusing on quality not quantity. I was also able to plan out my next two 90 day goals after this one, each one focusing on a different aspect of the film making progress, ultimately ending with me directing my first feature film. 

As I'm breaking through all of my self doubts, my goals and dreams are starting to feel much more attainable.  Such a great feeling.  :)

Life is pretty dang exciting these days.

365 days of 40 #56

Day 2 of my power 90 quest and I've already had a number of break throughs in areas that I wasn't expecting,  but it's helping me see things a little bit clearer.  It helped that I was enjoying the day with my family and it just allowed me to be and I was100% present most of the day.  My brain was just running it's operations in the back ground. 

Even though I know the value of being positive and passionate about life, the last several years have been over whelming with everything from divorce, illness, job loss, cross country moves and lost friendships. 

I allowed myself to forget who I really am: a slightly goofy, rather neurotic science fiction geek who loves cheesy Sci Fi TV shows and spectacular explosions in classic films such as Die Hard, great spy novels, Tom Clancy and Robert Ludlum come to mind.  I love road trips and romance. 

I'm also a writer.  As I've been getting back in the habit of writing again, every day, the words are coming back easier and easier.   Pretty soon the trickle that's coming now is going to be a rampaging river of words and characters and scenes and stories that won't be able to be held back.

I'm really excited to see what the next 89 days hold.  I'm looking forward to seeing the real me after all this time.

365 days of 40 #55

Just had my first Power 90 class and it was fantastic. I'm so excited to see what the next 90 days will bring.  I'm definitely going to be stretching and challenging everything I thought I knew about myself.  This is going to be a great chance for me to just go all out and get over the whole self sabotage thing that I do.  I am getting a game plan together for the next few weeks so that I can just jump start my career as a film maker.  For the first time in a very long time,  I feel like I can make many things happen.  Moving forward in the right direction!

I'm finding another way. :)

365 days of 40 #54

Tonight I took both kids to a class on communication.  Both of them were really rather reluctant to go,  but as it turns out,  they both had a lot of fun.  They participated and had excellent comments.  X even wants to practice what we learned at home.  I'm one proud mom. :)

365 days of 40 #53

It's amazing how much better I work when I have a deadline.  I'm really stoked to start Power 90. Having a deadline and someone to be accountable to and can be a cheerleader is going to be awesome!

365 days of 40 #52

All of the positive choices that I've been making in my life have been paying off.  As of about 9:30 am this morning I am officially employed.  I got all the paper work done and ran all of my errands related to that.  Now I get to enjoy the next few days before I start work on Monday. Life is really starting to get exciting. 

365 days of 40 #51

It's always very exciting to see the page number on your script go up and up. Even more exciting to see your name on the cover page, but that will have to wait till it's all done.

365 days of 40 #50

I can't believe I've been 40 for 50 days.  How in the world did that happen? Though I do have to say,  I kinda digging it, even if it feels like my body is betraying me.  To celebrate today's momentous achievement, I had a Burn Notice marathon. I love me some Bruce Campbell.  :)

365 days of 40 #49

Spent most the day in bed because I was sore,  but spent the evening with Tiffany,  Matt and the boys watching the Utah / BYU game.  Great finish for the Utes and good times with the family.  Really enjoying life these days.  :)

365 days of 40 #48

Had an awesome and productive day,  painted benches for my mom.  Then I spent some time with my kids before they went to their dad's.  Had a bit of a Big Bang Theory marathon before meeting up with some friends for an ice cream cone and staying out till almost 1am just talking and laughing. These are the things that make a life.  :)

365 days of 40 #47

Rewrote some pages,  getting better at raising the stakes and torturing my characters.  This makes me happy.

365 days of 40 #46

Epiphanies are crazy things.  They hit you when least expected.  Today's epiphany,  I am a good writer and am very productive when I put my mind to it. 

365 days of 40 #45

Today i was not nearly as productive as I had hoped to be.  The last couple of days I've just been exhausted.  Hopefully getting to bed before midnight will help me have better energy tomorrow because I have so much to do.  Besides the sunrise this morning was pretty amazing.  All of the wet weather the last little while has created some really cool cloud formations.

365 days of 40 #44

Just had a great phone call for the next step in my life and making the right choices and moving forward.  Very excited about life right now.  In the meantime, I'm helping my mom finish up the benches, and painted the metal today,  tomorrow,  it's the wood.  Feeling pretty accomplished today.  Of course,  my feet are filthy,  but it's worth it. 

365 days of 40 #43

Today was a recovery day, the emotions were just a little too close to the surface. When the kids got home though,  I spent some time with each of them.  Marquella even read to me for a little while. She did so good.  Tomorrow,  gonna get on track to move forward with creating peace and success in my life. And maybe even have a job tomorrow,  which would be great too.

365 days of 40 #42

My brain was on such complete overload I couldn't think when I got home.  Not that it was bad,  my emotional cup was completely full, I just needed time to process, which is why this post is late.  It was such an amazing day,  I can't wait to put everything I learned into action.  It truly is a new day.

365 days of 40 #41

Today has been another awesome day.  Good job interview and my class tonight was just what I needed.  I'm not quite ready to write about all of it yet,  my brain is still processing,  but I've learned so much.  Can't wait for tomorrow.  Gonna be an amazing,  authentic day!!!

365 days of 40 #40

Awesome day today. Learning how to move beyond those self doubts and voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough. 

In remembrance...

Today was 9/11.

The new day that will live in infamy.

I tried not to think about it today, but I have kids who were just babies when the planes crashed into the towers.  This is the first year they, especially Xander, had questions.

He wanted to know what happened. He wanted to understand, if such a thing is possible, why other human beings would do something so horrible.

He is only slightly obsessed with the military, weapons, soldiers, terrorists etc.  He wants to become a mechanical engineer so that he can build things, like weapons and armor for the military.   He wants to build them so he can protect people.  He may go of on a rant about guns or swords or Minecraft, but for all of his obsessions, he is a very tender hearted kid.

So when he asked if I would show him video of the attacks, I wasn't sure I wanted to show him, but I decided if he was going to see those images,  that I'd rather have him watch with me.

I found a video on YouTube and watched the the plane flew into the tower.  I managed to only watch a few seconds before I couldn't watch any more.  Those images affect me as much today as when I saw them 12 years ago.  Xander watched for a few minutes,  then stopped. 

He didn't say anything, we just watched TV for a bit.  Then he asked some more questions.  I found an article that had pictures and told him he could look if he wanted, but he didn't have too.  After a few moments, he took my phone and read the article and looked at the pictures. 

It was really hard for me to let him,  I mean, who really wants their child to see that, but this is the world we live in now.  He's going to see them sometime, he needed to be prepared.  After he finished, he really just wanted to cuddle for a few minutes, I think so he could know that I would always love him, and maybe put some semblance of normalcy back in his life.

We talked about some of my feelings.  I told him about my visit to NYC a couple of years after the attacks, and how I was at Battery Park, just a couple of blocks from Ground Zero, and how I couldn't go see it.  For me it was just too much.  The attacks that day rocked my world, and not in a good way.  I remember watching something on PBS with Xander, who wasn't quite 2,  and feeding Marquella, who was just a couple of months old, when my friend called.

I will never forget what she said,  "They're attacking us."

For days I was glued to the television, just as I'm sure, like most of the rest of the country was.  Finally I couldn't take it any more and just turned the TV off.  Ever since then, I really haven't been able to look at any images from that day. 

I'm a big fan of history,  but this history was just too up close and personal.

We talked about the silence of not hearing any planes overhead.  We lived under the flight path, and the silence was deafening. We also talked about the times when a plane seemed that is was flying to close to the ground and how my heart would stop, and I would watch and wait, hoping and praying that everything would be okay. 

Thankfully, it always was, but I had changed. Part of my innocence was gone, and now, so was Xander's.

We talked about Pearl Harbor, and how for me, while yes, it was horrible,  I wasn't alive for it, so it didn't affect me the same as say my Grandmother,  whose brother died on the Arizona. 

Xander understood why it affected me differently.  He knows it was bad and understands the events a little better, but he didn't watch the towers come down, so while right now he's laying in bed trying to put the images he saw into some kind of context, what he saw isn't quite real for him. 

I wish I could say that I would never have to worry about anything like 9/11 happening again, and that I wouldn't have to worry about how it affects my kids,  but everyday you turn on the news,  somewhere there is something horrible happening, somewhere he'll see the broken body of a child or mother or father,  and I know I can't protect them from everything. 

I'm the meantime, I'm going to try and teach them what 9/11 means for this country and for them and teach them what it means to not only be an American, but also a human being.

I just wish that they could stay innocent for a little while longer.

365 days of 40 #39

Sunrise.  Gives hope. Life is good.

365 days of 40 #38

Somehow, I missed publishing yesterday.  I'm not even sure what I was doing last night that would have caused me to forget.  Today, though,  spent time with my girl.  I practiced putting makeup on her.  Eventually I'll figure out that whole "smokey eye" thing.

365 days of 40 #37

Applied for several jobs today.  Trying to get back into job hunting big time, but my bug was home sick,  so I wasn't as productive.  Tomorrow is another day.

365 days of 40 #36

Today was a great day. Church,  family, friends.  This is what life is all about.  :)

Starting to just feel really good about the future, even if I can't see exactly what it is I'm supposed to do.

In the meantime,  I'm getting really good at selfies. :)

365 days of 40 #35

Marquella is getting so old! We dyed get hair.  It was kinda fun.  She certainly likes it.  :)

365 days of 40 #34

My mom gave me a ton of tomatoes that needed to be used,  so this was the end result.  Very yummy indeed. 

There are also 3 different types of peppers, onions, limes, lime juice, garlic cloves, avocado, corn, black beans and some red wine vinegar.

Conveniently enough,  we then got invited to a neighborhood cookout where I needed to bring a side dish, so I brought the salsa.  It was gone, which was great, even if I don't have any more yumminess.  I'll just have to make some more. 

365 days of 40 #33

I find it ironic that while I love taking pictures of flowers,  I really can't stand how they smell,  especially when it comes to lotion.  I am a fan of fruit smelling lotions, and in particular the Bodycology line.   This is my newest favorite, Miami Mango. Curiously enough it totally reminds me of Florida. 

365 days of 40 #32

Insomnia sucks.  Last night I couldn't sleep,  that meant today I wasn't very productive which sucked.  I really need some good sleep tonight, have so much to do tomorrow.

I really hope that my stuffies can help me sleep good tonight.

365 days of 40 #31

This is Rusty, my mom's dog.  He is her baby, and this face is just too cute not to share.

Being a writer means that you actually have to write

The kids went back to school last week and I knew that I needed to get things in order in my life.  Some days are better than others, but I found a fun little application for my phone that gives me a daily habit reminder as a way to start forming new and good habits.  It also shows how long your streaks are.  

I have some basic things like make my bed and spend 20 minutes picking up around the house.  The biggie on my list has been to write one hour every day.  While I haven't been perfect, since I started this application a week ago, I've written 4/7 days.  And in that time, I've mapped out the last 1/3 of my screenplay and written 6 pages.  

Needless to say, that has me pretty darn psyched.  I'm getting so close, the end is in sight.  Of course, this morning, I'm stuck, but I'm not letting my being stuck keep me from writing.  I decided to take a few minutes from the script to get a few words out here so I can go back to the script.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and it's made me realize that I do have a lot to say, I just have to sit down, get out of my head and let the words come.  My "365 days of 40" project has been helping me get back in the habit of writing, even short things.  It's had a side bonus of making me sit back and appreciate the little things in my life.  I can always use more positive energy in my life.

So, as I get back to being a writer, I'm not going to be afraid of the words that are just waiting to be set free.

365 days of 40 #30

Cleaning today. Making progress on the laundry.  Here's the proof.

365 days of 40 #29

Sunflowers make me happy. I will be sad when they go, but I'm kind of looking forward to snow coming.

365 days of 40 #28

This is what I want my body to look like.  Now to get it done.