Life happens...

The title of this blog can't nearly contain all of the craziness and insanity, but at the same time, it sums it up perfectly.

The crazy thing about life is that you can go from extremes in just a few minutes.  For example, hot to cold or dry to wet, blissfully happy to completely devastated.

That's where I am, completely devastated, but just a few hours ago, I was happy and life was great.  My sister and brother-in-law adopted 3 little boys and it was official on Thursday.  On Friday was the party, and it was a blast.  Saturday morning, they went through the temple and were sealed together as a forever family.

Now as I write this, I'm just coming home from the hospital where I just watched my dad die.

Words cannot explain the complete and total shock that I'm feeling right now.

Last night, I got to hang out with my dad and step mom at the party, today we had lunch together and then he came over to check out my apartment and chat, then he went over to my sister's house for a few hours.

Suddenly I'm getting a call that he passed out and is on his way to the hospital.  While I waited to hear which hospital, I really wasn't thinking this could happen.  A few minutes later, I got the call and headed over.  I just figured that he'd had a complication with his oxygen tank.  While I was sitting in the waiting room with my stepmom, sister and brother-in-law, we talked about what to do next, but we could only wait till we had news.

The first time the doctor came out he told us that there had been a heart attack and he'd gone into cardiac arrest but that they had been able to get his heart going again.  Fifteen minutes later they came back and said they it had stopped again and things weren't looking good so they brought us back.

I will never forget watching the extremely dedicated nurses and doctors do everything they could to save him.  There were several nurses and techs rotating doing chest compressions, trying to get his heart started. As I watched them and looked at my dad, everything was so surreal.  On TV shows they always show the hospital staff as frantic and I don't know how they were acting then, but by the time I saw them, they were calm and collected and very professional.

With my dad intubated and hooked up to all kinds of machines, he looked so small.  Part of me kept thinking, "he's only sleeping, he'll wake up any moment and we can go home, everything will be okay" while the other part of me was watching the staff and knowing that they knew he wasn't going to make it.

Surreal is the only way I can explain the feeling.

The doctor called his death at 12:01 this morning.

I'm not ready to be without my dad.

After he passed, they took us to another room for a few minutes and they cleaned him up and put him in another room so we could spend some time with him.  It was hard seeing him like that.  They hadn't been able to take the intubation out, so it was in him when we got into the room.

I touched his hand and arm and realized how smooth they felt, he did have really good skin.

It reminded me of when my brother passed away.  I never saw him until the funeral, after he had already been embalmed.  His skin was really hard, but there were two spots, one on his arm and one on his face where the skin was still soft.

I made one of the worst calls of my life, I had to tell my aunt that my dad, her brother was dead.  I've had a few of those calls, the ones that come in the middle of the night, waking you up from a perfectly good dream. I hadn't ever planned on me behing the one to make that call.  She was in shock and couldn't even understand what I was saying.  I know exactly how she felt.

21 years ago, when my brother died, I received that same call.

The call that you're life will never be the same.

How do you go on when all you feel is such complete sorry?  How do you get up each day and move forward?

Right now, I'm about out of tears for the moment, but I know there will be a lot of tears over the next little while.

I know that he wasn't a perfect dad, but since I don't know of any, he was in pretty good company.  I know that he loved me and I know that his last day was good.  He spent it with his family and got to hang out with all of his grandkids.

I don't know how I'm going to tell them that he's dead.

Life goes on and I know that I will be okay as I come out on the other side of this, but for right now I'm numb and in shock.

I was able to spend a few minutes in the room alone with him after everyone left and I got to say goodbye.  Leaving him alone in the room was the one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I'm just glad that I was there and able to say goodbye.  I know that he's having a great reunion on the other side right now and that someday, I'll see all of my family that waiting for me too.

Already October???

I seriously can't believe that it is already October,  not sure when that happened.  While I wasn't as productive as I wanted when it came to my writing, I did reread a lot of my writing, in particular the script I wrote for school, and I realized that I can cut it up and I'll be putting the scenes into the cards for my story outline that I'm working on. There was a lot of good stuff, it just needs to be a novel/ tv series, not movie, it's just too dense storywise. The other nice thing is that in a novel, I can add all kinds of detail to it and really fill out the scenes and motivations. I'm getting psyched up to write. I'm trying to come up with some good ideas for the gladiator games. As I've been researching, I think a combination of modern and primitive weapons will be a good. Oh I how wish I could just download my brain straight to a hard drive. I think my story has a lot of potential,  I just need to not be scared and just push through all of the anxiety and get over myself. There is no reason my story can't become a best seller and I think it's okay that I want to be the female George RR Martin.  :) time to head to my cardiovascular class. I just need to zone and focus on my story, do some daydreaming and figure out my love story 'cause I'm feeling particularly romantic today.

Letting go of perfection

In yoga today I was feeling discouraged because there were poses that I used to be able to do but currently can't and beating myself up about it, but then I was reminded that I'm healing both my body and soul and my journey is far from over.  Everyday I'm getting stronger and I can see how far I've come since the beginning of the semester.  I'm going in the right direction and even if I'm slow, I'll still get there. 

I've never really considered myself a perfectionist, though I do have my moments, but in yoga that's what we were talking about today, and I was totally guilty of it when it comes to exercising and eating healthy. If I messed up, I would beat myself up and completely fall apart.  Take for example this morning. It wasn't even that I was hungry, but while I was getting gas, I had the kids buy donuts, and when I ate it, it didn't even taste all that great. It was just habit, and my habits are slowly changing. I think because I've been trying to make better choices my body is noticing. So, I'm going to pick myself up off the floor and not wallow in self pity and make better choices today and keep going.

So it's been a while...

Things got crazy busy for a while but nothing really exciting was happening.  Certainly nothing I really wanted to write about.  This weekend however was awesome and I wasn't a hermit.  Friday I went over to a good friend's house and hang out for a game night.  I didn't get home till after 2am, which was great.  It was just very chill and I got to be myself.  I love hanging out with gay guys, they are just awesome and make me feel good about myself.  Saturday, I did all kinds of errands and then had a friend come over and we played catch up till 1am. Girl time was very much needed.  This weekend reminded me that I'm a social butterfly and I need to get out more. Sometimes I get too much in my head.

This semester I'm taking some free classes at SLCC, which is one of the benefits of working for a college. Because of by unique schedule right now, and my sincerest desire to lose weight, I chose to take 4 gym classes instead of the photography class that I really wanted to take.  It is for my mental and physical well being that I am taking yoga and cardio M/W and Tai Chi and strength training T/H. It's a good mix of core and full body workouts that will also help me with my flexibility.  After just one week I've already started to see some improvement in my flexibility which is good because with my knee as messed up as it is, I walk with a limp and my body is all kinds of out of whack.  But what really nice is that at lunch today, I went for a walk at work and did 2 small laps.  That is a HUGE improvement over what I've been able to do lately. Rehabilitation is hard work.

Usually when I start a healthy living routine, I feel like part of it is always missing.  I can either get the fitness part or the nutrition part, not together.  But I decided to change that, and I just bought a nice big freezer that I plan to fill with healthy and cheap meals that I prepare a head of time. I'm really just trying to change my life overall and each of these steps is moving me in the right direction.

On the flip side, when it comes to my writing endeavors, those have ground to a halt and I'm really struggling.  I'm sure it's because I can feel a depressive episode coming.  I'm trying to ward it off, but that's easier said than done.  If I can't get it under control, I'll go back on my meds.  In the meantime, I'm wasting a ridiculous amount of time. It's bad that I can get away with being able to have Netflix on at work.  I just need to make a concerted effort to stop this cycle of procrastination and take some time everyday, even if it's 15 minutes, because those baby steps will get me closer than I am right now.  Hopefully, being able to go to comic con this weekend will fill me up creatively.  Both the kids bought their own 3 day tickets. I didn't think I was going to be able to go, but I managed to score a free ticket for Friday.  Very exciting stuff for sure.

I'm trying to figure out how to keep all aspects of my life moving forward.  It's like if I've got one going in a good direction, everything else falls apart.  At least I'm now recognizing this and can do something about it.  I'm just going to keep moving forward one step at a time.

It's true... I'm 41.

I've been avoiding writing this blog because I knew that it meant that 40 is officially in the rear view mirror and the long slow journey to 50 has begun.

I know that I should be trying to sleep, but since it's almost 5am, that goal is probably a long shot. I keep thinking about all of the things that I should be doing, ie sleeping, but my brain refuses to just shut down. I have a movie strip in my head of everything that's been happening over the last year, and it's been a lot as well as everything else I actually want to do this year.

I've accomplished a ton of things and I have nothing to be sorry about, but, I can't lose momentum. I have too many other things that I want to accomplish. I've decided to focus on losing weight and exercising and writing a novel, (it's just too complicated a story to tell as a screenplay, I should know, I already tried) as the big goals that I want to work on this upcoming year.

I can look back on the last year and see the goals that I did make, finishing a screenplay  sending it out into the world was my biggest, but I also made some smaller goals. Granted, I wasn't as successful as I wanted with my Kickstarter campaign, or getting an agent, but I learned so much from what I did do, it's now time to put it all into some kind of action plan which is what I want to do next.

I know the hardest part for me is maintaining motivation and momentum, which is what happened the last few months on my journal writing goal.  If I have a down day, sometimes it can completely throw me for a loop, this time I'm going to make it a little easier on me and do something like 52 weeks of 41. Easier to keep up with.

40 wasn't too bad, in fact it was kind of fun and now that 41 is here, I have a lot to look forward to. It's time to stop wasting time and just taking everything to the next level. I have the tools, I just need to add my support team as I move on to accomplish my next set of goals.

41 is looking pretty darn good!

365 days of 40, the end is in site

So, I've been in avoidance mode.  For a while, things were just so crazy, it was impossible to think clearly and then once I was back down to just one job, it took a while for my brain to get back to some semblance of normalcy. Needless to say, I've thought about worrying everyday for at least a week now, but I just didn't want to write anything.  Part of it has been the unsuccessful kickstarter campaign and part off it is the fact that I fell so far off the wagon when it comes to writing everyday, that I didn't want to get back on.  Of course, there is the whole fact that I have a birthday looming in just a few weeks, knowing that my 365 days of 40 is approaching the end.

I guess, I just didn't know exactly what to write. I've got at least one good blog about the kickstarter campaign floating around in my brain, not to mention a pay about my new job, or the crazy happenstance of the other job interview that I went on today.  I think I just needed to get something written down to break through the fog I've been feeling for the last little while. It's probably the same fog that had been keeping me from writing.  It's amazing how hard it is to get back into the swing of things if you miss a while. Same principle when it comes to exercising, miss to much, it's so hard to get going again. 

Time to exercise my writing muscles, and stop wasting so much time. Besides, I have a birthday that I need to face down in my own terms.

Confessions of a Neurotic Cougar kickstarter campaign official launch notice!!!

So this last week has been just a bit insane. You know, the usual, trying to clean my house after the flood, getting my kickstarter campaign launched, crazy work hours.  Blah blah blah.

Right now, I'm beyond exhausted, but I just wanted to take a few moments and share that it is official.  My kickstarter campaign has launched.  Which completely boggles my mind.  I can't believe that I actually got it off the ground. It's not that I didn't think I couldn't do it, it just felt like there was so far to go, but all of my little steps actually added up to quite a few big steps and now, here I am.  It boggles the mind.

I'd like to say that once my brain calms down and I can get some good sleep, I promise to write a much better blog post, but who am I kidding.  I'm probably not going to be able to sleep for the next month.  In the meantime, check out our campaign at https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1606808234/confessions-of-a-neurotic-cougar-webseries!

365 days of 40, #286-287

It's a good thing that I have already accepted the idea that Murphys law runs a film set, because when we had a massive water leak, less than 2 hours before we were scheduled to shoot, when one of the apartments above incorrectly hooked up a washing machine, I managed to take into stride.  My only panicking happened when we couldn't actually figure out where the water was coming from and not being able to stop the water from pouring out.

I was actually quite impressed with how calm I remained.  Yes, it was inconvenient, but it wasn't worth getting worked up over.  In fact, it was much easier to take a deep breath and laugh about it.   I do have a few loads of wet towels to wash, but no one got hurt and there was no other damage. The emergency clean up guy got the water all sucked up and he was walking out the door just as everyone arrived for today's shoot.  As a bonus, I'm even going to get my carpet cleaned for free, so it all worked out. 

In fact, today's adventure probably helped me stay calm before the filming began.  It gave me something else to think about, something I had absolutely no control over and I just had to remain zen about it.

Over the last several weeks, I've been thinking hard about what it would be like to act and direct at the same time. I'm used to being behind the camera and it was really hard to be in front of it. Talk about motivation for me to get some weight off, but at the same time, I really liked it. 

A lot.

Even more than I expected to.  I really do want to play the cougar in just show.  I think as long as I am very nice to work with, open to suggestions, and have a strong vision and sense of where I want to go with it, this will work. 

A few weeks ago when I talked to S, he told me a story about how he had just shot something with the director also acting in it and what a horrible situation it was to be in because she wasn't nice to work with. I have already determined, that is not going to be me.  I want to get a reputation as a great person to work with.

As I have gotten older, I recognize that my most genuine, authentic self is when I'm being nice, goofy, having fun and making others feel good.  I have also learned that getting worked up over things I have no control over isn't going to help my emotional well being. This isn't to say that I don't replay things over and over in my head, wishing I had done something differently, but letting go is so much better.  

Anyway, enough about the drama. 

Today, it was all about comedy and filming.  Which was really, so much fun.  I got to play opposite a really cute kid, it was weird, doing the whole, me being a love interest, but pretending to almost kiss him and then fall over worked. I may master physical comedy yet. 

I met some new awesome crew members and just generally had a fantastic day.  It really just reminded me of what I love to do.  Which is good, because there have been days when I've been extremely discouraged about things, especially with my job and schedule and the only thing keeping me going was the possibility of shooting.  Really doing it was just a blast.

And like any addict, once you get a taste of your drug of choice, you can't wait for your next hit.

365 days of 40, #283-285

The last few nights of getting home at after 11:30pm has made for some seriously long days.  It was all I could do to plop on the couch while I ate a late dinner and watched some Chuck then stumble into bed, brain fried.  Tonight, I am so wired and excited, I can't hardly stand it.  We're shooting the kickstarter video on Sunday with a real camera and sound guy.  I found a cute young kid to play a part in the film and make it actually seem like I'm a cougar and I've been getting more and more people interested in the show.

I am just feeling so amazingly blessed with all the people who are coming on board this crazy dream I had.  When I set the goal to launch the kickstarter on June 1st, I seriously had no idea how in earth I was going to make it happen.  It was a leap of faith.

Guess what happens when you make a leap of faith???

You have an Indiana Jones moment and realize that whatever you set your mind to will happen. 

I am beyond grateful for all the people who are coming on board to help with this because there is no way that I could do this by myself.  Each one brings something so special to the project and it boggles my mind how lucky I am to have them not only on this project but in my life as well.  Of course, now I'm getting all emotional, so it's time for me to bring this to a close. I don't want really puffy eyes in the morning. 

365 days of 40, #272-282

Life has gotten the best of me for the last little bit.

Working two jobs and not getting home until after 10pm every night has taken it's toll on me and I've felt rather zombie like. The jobs themselves really aren't difficult, I mean, working in a computer lab is cake and spending 8 hours a day talking about XBox really isn't that bad, but the hours are killer.  I've got a couple of job applications out that I'm hopeful about.  I'm also still waiting to hear about a job interview from about a week and a half ago.  Since it's up at the U, there is often a long wait as they get around to making decisions.  I'm just trying really hard to be patient.

I hate being patient.

In the meantime, I've been getting stuff ready to shoot the kickstarter video for Confessions of a Neurotic Cougar.  Slowly but surely we are moving along.  Less than one month before the campaign goes live.  No pressure at all, whatsoever.  Actually, it's really pretty cool, all the stuff that has been happening, so while there is some stress, none of it is because the project, it's more about how life is making me slightly crazy.

I'm excited about tonight though, I get to actually see my kids and hang out with them.  The house is in good shape, so we may even run away for a little while and get out of the house.  We'll just have to see.

365 days of 40, #270-271

It's official, I got my Sundance lab application in.  The is potentially one more contest that I could enter tomorrow, but I will just have to check my budget. Things are moving right along. 

My new job is actually going better than I expected.  Again, attitude is everything.  My insatiable curiosity and incessant question asking has paid off. I'm the one people want to sit by because I can help them.  Maybe that means I can get off the phones pretty quick. We'll see. 

Right now however, I'm completely exhausted, so time to shut my brain down and sleep.  I have to plan the next production meeting for Saturday.  :)

365 days of 40, #264-269

Okay, working 2 jobs really sucks. It's not even so much the hours, because when I'm on a film set, it's long crazy hours, but there truly is a difference between doing what you love and doing what you have to do to survive.  There is also an end in sight. Right now things life they're never going to get better.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be employed, but I think there are better ways to go about doing it.  I'm also lucky, considering the different call lines I could have landed on, the xbox line is going to be pretty cake.

In the meantime, I submitted my script, JAL to the Nichols Fellowship.  Winning that would be spectacular, and I would love to win, but I'll settle for landing in the quarter or semi finals. It would be a huge boost to my career.  I've also been writing my application for the Sundance Labs.  It's taken so much longer than I had hoped, but it's definitely a good thing that I started already.  It's not one that waiting till the last possible date will work, they want you really work for it.  There are a couple of other contests that I want to enter, so we'll just have to see.

Once the Sundance Lab application is done, it's time to go back to Confessions.  The next production meeting will be on Saturday and then a conference call on Sunday.  I can't believe how things are coming together.  It's going to be nice to prove everyone wrong who didn't believe in me and show than just what I'm capable of doing. 

I keep repeating to myself, everything is perfect just the way it is right now. And it is.  The motivation for change is pretty overwhelming right now. 

365 days of 40, #261-263

So I'm on day 3 of working 2 jobs.  I have to say, it's not my favorite thing in the world, but it is keeping me motivated to do more than I already am. This is why I'm excited about Saturday, I have my first production meeting planned.  It's going to be be and my executive producer just sitting down and hashing things out.  I have a list of to do's and agenda items to discuss, but wow, it's such a great feeling to know that I'm taking a step closer to my dream. 

I would love to write more about stuff, but I'm so dang tired, my brain is wiped out.  It's time to just sleep.  Writing will come soon enough.

365 days of 40, #259-260

So yesterday was a geeky girl's dream. Not only did we get there early enough to see Nathan Fillion (and have really awesome seats), I saw Adam Baldwin and Sir Patrick Stewart.  I pretty much parked myself in the main ballroom and I managed to sir in the front row and saw Sci Fi icon after Sci Fi icon.  Extremely amazing day.

I also got to see old friends who I hadn't seen for ever and meet some new people as well.  I pimped Confessions and worked towards following my dream.

While there, I met an awesome author, Michaelbrent Collings, who was willing to spend some time talking to me.  I told him that I was on an emotional roller coaster, fluctuating between feeling like I could do it and being on top of the World to feeling like I was never going to make it and crashing to the depths of despair.  He reassured me that I was normal and if I wasn't feeling that way, I wasn't doing it right.  He even gave me one of his books, which I'm looking forward to reading.

The hardest part for me is knowing that I start a new job tomorrow, which means for the foreseeable future, I'm going to have 2 jobs.  I have decided to make the most of the limited time that I'm going to have and force myself to be the most productive writer I've ever been.  I'm only going to have 4 hours a day to work on things so I need to make it happen.

The game plan is on motion, it's not time to lose momentum now.

365 days of 40, #256-258

The last few days have been awesome, but again, still have very mixed emotions.  Comic con has been a blast, but not being able to have X attend really sucks. I spent the day looking for the perfect gifts for him, and since he's more than slightly obsessed with Minecraft, I found some good geeky stuff for him that he really liked. 

M has had so much fun, she's been so cute when she's met the authors that she likes, going a little star struck. Having her friend has been good, they can keep each other company, especially when I'm walking really slow. 

I managed to do a number on my knee, again. Yesterday, while crossing the street, I stepped wrong and I've had to spend the last 2 days walking on crutches, so I haven't taken nearly the pictures I wanted, but such is life.  I even managed to hand out my business card to a few people.

The hardest part has been the back and forth of emotions, from feeling that being a film maker is possible, to thinking is completely impossible.  The roller coaster has not been fun.  I'm trying to do a "state change" and it's only partially working.

Tomorrow is the last day of Comic con, and I'm falling asleep.  I'll write more later. Hopefully we can see Nathan Fillion in the morning. We have to get the early.  So time for bed.

365 days of 40, #254-255

Yesterday was very emotional.  Having a sick child is no fun and dealing with their school is even less fun.  Because of the cyclical vomiting syndrome that X has missed more school than he's actually been and needless to say, the school is frustrated and I can't really blame them.  His missing school has caused problems for all the teachers and it's just a pain.  No one is to blame in this situation, it's just a difficult position to be in. We'll get it worked out, I'm confident, it just might take a bit of effort on my part.

The hardest part for me though is seeing my handsome teenage son barely being able to get out of bed and throws up practically everything he eats.  The doctor and I have been talking a lot lately. We've had to make so many changes with his medications, trying to find the right ones that will help him feel better. 

With that all on my mind yesterday, things were not all that productive.  Today has been a much better day.  I got job applications out, worked on the Confessions website and had a job interview.  The interview want quite what I had expected, the shift wasn't going to ultimately work out and I said as much to the place, and because I have some good tech skills and scored well on their customer service test, they liked me and got me an interview with another department tomorrow.  We'll just have to see how it goes.

It will be nice to actually make enough money to support my family while I get the creative outlets in my life up and running. I can see a bright future in store with both career goals and with taking care of the family if I stay on track with my goals. 

I am choosing to believe that everything that is happening is perfect for right now and that's a pretty good feeling.

365 days of 40, #252-253

Yesterday when I got home, I was completely exhausted.  Mentoring was good and I'm glad I did it. It was a good reminder of where I'm heading and helped me get refocused for my journey over the next few months with my kickstarter and Web series.  I added a couple of people to my team and I'm looking forward to planning the first production meeting in a couple of weeks.  Between that and knowing that I'm going to be coaching my first power 90 course, I have a lot to help me get that moving.

In the meantime, I'm still looking for a fulltime job.  Hopefully something will pan out.  I don't know what, and it's completely stressing me out.  I'm trying to figure out how to create at least an extra $1000 a month.  It doesn't sound like a lot, until you don't have it.  I'm thinking about starting a couple of small businesses, but I'm just not sure how to make them work.  It just seems like it takes money to make money, but if you don't have money in the first place, it seems almost impossible to make any more.

365 days of 40, #249-251

Between not sleeping well because of severe allergies and being completely exhausted because I've been mentoring my first power of choice, the last few days have been rather hectic. 

Mentoring has been a good experience. I have some good students that I've enjoyed getting to know.  I'll write more about them tomorrow. Tonight, in writing about why I'm mentoring.  I'm definitely getting more out of it this time than the first time I went through.  The first time it was so overwhelming, because there was so much information.  Power 90 helped me cement those ideas into my brain and it's now a review for me.  A refresher course that has been very much needed. 

I've been letting negative thoughts over come me in spite of all of the things that I've doing to move forward.  Some negative experiences that happened when I worked on Action!!! kept coming to my brain and it is no wonder that I've had so much anxiety about shooting confessions.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I've learned from the mistakes that I made and I can make new and better mistakes.

I've been feeling paralyzed with fear, afraid to make mistakes because it would mean that I'm dumb but mistakes are a part of life.  I love my motto, because it reminds me that I'm normal.  What a concept!?! It's time to move past my fears and anxiety and accept me for me because I'm worthy of living my dream.

Here's to making my dream a reality.

365 days of 40, #248

What a day!!!

In the past, part of my problem was that I was a perfectionist and allowed myself to get hung up on things, if it wasn't done right, then what was the point.  This has been especially true when it comes to making movies.  I know what a professional set should be like so it's been hard for me to put that to the back of my mind and just make something.  It's also been why I've struggled to figure out how to shoot Confessions.  I know what it needs to be and in the back of my mind, if I couldn't pay everyone, then who would cone and work worth me.  The thing is, there are people who will work for free to build their resumes and get experience. I have a good project that will be lots of fun to work on. 

Today, I finally just let go of all of my pre conceived ideas of perfection and I'm just doing what needs to be done.  It's all small steps, but they are all things that need to be done, so I might as well as get off my butt and make things happen.  I bought the domain for my Web series and I bought business cards to pass out at Comic Con to help raise awareness of the show.  I have at least one kid who is bound and determined to give my card to Nathan Fillion. It's so awesome to have someone believe in me, and herself.  She wants the past of the teen girl in the show, so she wants to make it happen.  A good bit of motivation.

I still have so much to do, but launching the Kickstarter on June 1 seems to be doable. While it sucks to only have a part time job, this job is letting me get so much done.  I am being blessed, things will happen.  I just need to have faith and confidence in me and my abilities. 

365 days of 40, #243-247

I wish I could say I've been productive the lady several days, but mostly I did a marathon tv watching weekend, first I finished up The Killing then some Game of Thrones. One of these days I will get all caught up on the show.  I did actually work some more on getting my house clean and my kitchen is almost done.  Still working my way through the rest of the house, slowly but surely moving along. 

I did aldo get some job applications sent out this morning first thing.  The rest of the time was spent on the kickstarter for Confessions. I've been back and forth with trying to decide if this is going to be a webseries or a feature length film. There are pros and cons for each of them.  I think sitting down with my producers and having a heart to heart is really what's needed.  I have a tentative game plan, but without some concrete plans, it's not going to be going very far very fast. I think tomorrow I need to make a definitive list of what I need to do and what I need my producers to do. 

June 1 is coming fast and I have lots to get done before I launch the campaign. 

365 days of 40, #241-242

I've sent out 2 more queries for my screenplay.  One to a production company, the other an agent.  Hopefully as I go along, I'll get better at writing them, it's very nerve wracking.  But it's happening, really happening.  Slower than I originally planned, but still going it.  Setting goals is extremely important and having a plan makes it so much effective. 

I really need to settle down and write up my next power 90 goal.  I know part of the delay has been my indecisiveness about what I wanted to do.  I'm still torn, just trying to figure out what to focus on. There's something to be said for sticking with inertia and keeping focused on the screenwriting goals, but feeling like I'm going to be making movie is more motivating, so I could in theory be working with fundraising goals,  kickstarter stuff while I finish the script. In fact as I write that, it's the one that I think makes the most sense: Doing preproduction and development at the same time so that once the script is done, we just immediately move into production so that no time is lost in the transition, using each different aspect to push the other one towards completion.

Definitely something to consider.

In the meantime, I keep thinking about the 1st crush of my life and I hate to admit it, because I was trying to be all cool, calm and collected, but I really do hope he calls me. It's hard to say no to the allure, or at least the hope and daydream that the one who said no all those years ago will finally come to his senses and finally want you. I think all those who have been victim of unrequited love hopes for that.

365 days of 40, #238-240

So wow!  Who would believe it??? I have an old neighborhood. Or at least a village, and yeah, might not have been perfect, but it was a pretty great place to grow up. 

Today has been one amazing ride.  I spent 6 hours catching up with old friends and had we had more time, we probably could have gone on longer. 

It boggles the mind to the point that I'm still trying to process, but it was so much fun laughing and catching up and generally reconnecting.  It's crazy how there are just some people who you can talk to and no matter how long it has been, no time at all as passed. They are the people who "knew you when" and still care about you no matter what.  What's even harder to believe is that I've known them almost 30 years.  That is way over 1/2 my life.

It was amazing seeing my friend, "A". Growing up I always felt privileged to say that he was a friend of mine and seeing him today and just what an amazing man he is was truly humbling.  We had a wonderfully uplifting conversation and it just gave me hope for the future.  I can't wait till later this summer when things warm up, we're going to have a bbq with him, his wife and his kids along with my mom and sister and all the little people that we claim who inhabit the general area.

Then I saw "R", the said crush and amazingly enough, I was almost fun and charming and didn't completely revert back to being 16 again.  It was a blast reminiscing about the years, and actually have him remember some of the times fondly was pretty awesome.  I told him about my crush on him and how he broke my heart, but all kidding aside, it was wonderful seeing him too.  I hope that he will do what he says and gives me a call.  I did pass out my business cards after all.  It would be nice to just catch up one on one like I did with A.

As I write this, I can't help but just have a smile on my face.  They always say that you have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime and then there are those that defy description and it's because of them, that you become the person you were meant to be.

I look back and see not only how far I have come, and sitting here at 40, hopefully not half way done, I've done pretty darn good,  but I can look forward to see just how amazing the journey is ahead of me. I can't wait to fill it with many more memories and friends and all of the other things that make a life.

365 days of 40, #237

My day has taken several unexpected turns today that had left me reeling.  First of all, I sent out my first query for my script today.  I have a whole lot more to send out, but I took the first step today.  It's nice to feel like I'm making progress.  I also got a call about a job interview for next Thursday. It's another one at SLCC, this time to run a computer lab at the main campus.  We'll just have to see what happens there. 

Because I can't stand the condition of my house, this afternoon I was bound and determined to take control.  I hit Walmart and got a couple of shelving units fir the kitchen.  It's not done, but wow, it's so much better.  Lots too do tomorrow, but I have an amazing amount of motivation to get my house clean, which is all thanks to the last bit of life that happened. 

I spent time working on Confessions today and I was making up a character name.  The name reminded me of a guy who I knew back when I was in 6th grade and who I spent most of my adolescence hung up on.  Every couple of years I look up him and my other friend from that time, but I hadn't ever had any luck, until today. 

I stumbled upon the twitter account of my other friend and sent him a message to the effect of "hey, remember me?" Needless to say, he did and we spent a good hour catching up.  He then brought up the idea of getting together for lunch with some of those from the "Village", which just do happened to include the guy that I crushed on.  A few hours later, he calls me and says he'll be picking me up Monday afternoon, we're driving out to Tooele for lunch with said crush and whoever else happens to show up. 

My brain hurts.  Over the years,  whenever I would look them up, it was always just an exercise in futility because I could never track them down.  I always had in the back of my mind to the idea to say hi, but never in a million years did I think today would happen.

It boggles the mind. 

Don't get me wrong, it's going to be a blast to see them, but I now find myself facing the fear of reverting back to my beyond neurotic 16 year old self. I'm still neurotic, but at least now I can cope with much better.   For now, I'm just going to have to get my house all clean, to help keep me distracted.  Lots to look forward to in the next few days.

365 days of 40, #235 & 236

It's nice to be getting back to some semblance of normalcy.  I finally got insurance so it was nice to go get a shot in my knee.  I'm really hoping that it will be taken care of here in the next month or so. But last night, my knee was killing me after my shot, which is why I didn't get any writing done last night. 

Today, however was another story entirely.  I finished JAL and I'm really quite happy with it.  I've sent it out for people to read for feedback.  I'm looking forward to that and sending out to agents and production companies. I'm also getting it together to send off to the Sundance labs and the Nichols fellowship contests and any other big ones that might work. It was such an awesome feeling to figure it out this morning. It was just one little tiny scene, but once you got it you got it. Yay!

After I got that done, I started back to work on my Confessions of an Neurotic Cougar script. I already have 33 pages written for it which I can't believe. This one is going so much faster than previous scripts in the past, it might actually be almost ready to go out to contests as well, we'll just have to see.  It will definitely be ready to lunch and a Kickstarter later this year though not necessarily on May 1st. It really helped that I was able to do some networking while doing fiddler on the roof. I got some nice support for that.

Both kids are going to be gone this weekend, so it's going to be a nice time for me to be able to get my house back in order and work on my scripts. It's so nice to be motivated again. :-)  I hate having things hanging over my head and I think having JAL over my head I was just killing me. Time to move forward.

Life is great! I'm so excited about where things are headed, and even though I'm struggling on the job front it's nice to feel like I'm making progress on my writing.

365 days of 40, #234

Time to get back to writing.  The last few weeks have just been completely insane because of Fiddler on the Roof and it's time to get back to some semblance of order.  Yesterday it started by cleaning the kitchen. While it's not completely done, progress is being made.  Same thing when it comes to my writing.  I've narrowed down the scene that is having problems in JAL.  It's SSSOOOO close to being done, but I'm just not exactly sure what I want to happen with it, so it's on hold, but it's nice to have made progress.   I've started my query letter.  It's slow going, but I have a rough draft so it can only go forward.

Today has actually been about Confessions.  I had another interaction with the guy in the other computer lab, who is absolutely adorable.  The very first day we met, we just clicked and it has really inspired me and how I want to have the interaction between my 2 main characters.  Great dialogue that I just couldn't pass up writing down and I even wrote a couple of other scenes.  I still have no idea where the whole thing is going, but it's just fun to have someone to flirt with.  Besides who wouldn't want a cute guy to flirt with.

Speaking of cute guys, I met another one during the play.  Of course, since I'm far too chicken to actually say anything, it's not going to go anywhere.  Which always sucks, but that's my life.  It's also why I'm writing all about my dating traumas or lack there of.

I'm so dang distracted today.  Too much going on in my brain.  So today's blog will be short.  Gotta get back in the habit, I'm going to end strong!

365 days of 40, only 139 till I turn 41

They always say that change is a good thing and today that's what I'm going to do. 

I'm going to continue with this blog, but I'm going to change things up.  This is the blog where I continue to write more about my personal life, but I'm going to start one that is more of my journey as a film maker and if I get motivated enough, I'm going to start a 3rd that is more "bloggy", if that makes sense.  More article type blogs about things that don't quite fit in either place.  I think this separation will help me stay more focused and continue to challenge me as a writer.  

Out of curiosity, I just looked up how many days I have left until my birthday and it's only 139.  That is a rather scary proposition.  That means that I've been 40 for over 6 months.  I'm now closer to 41 than 40. Wow! How did that happen.  

Life has been completely crazy as this week our show, Fiddler on the Roof goes up.  We have rehearsals every night and then on Thursday, we're at the beginning of the end.  Soon, all we'll have are the memories of a fantastic 4 months making friends.

So, it's time to change the title of this blog and start a new one.  I'm feeling excited the future and looking forward to what it's going to bring me.

365 days of 40 #207-217

I can feel myself at that middle stage of a goal where you're hitting burn out and wondering if it's worth going on. That's how I've been feeling lately about blogging.  I think I put this pressure on myself to write every day,  so it's been more like a journal as opposed to a blog where I'm writing about a specific topic.  Not a bad thing, but it's been hard to get motivated about writing much of anything. Granted, not much has been happening of late that actually feels wiring worthy.  It's the same old drudgery that seems to be keeping me in a loop of negativity for the last little bit.  I've just been fighting a case of the blahs.  Nothing is really bad but I'm just feeling off. I know that a lot of it is that I spend too much time alone. This job is going to be the death of me.  Yes, I am trying to use my time to work on stuff, and that has been helpful, though the last week, it hasn't been writing. I think I needed some time away from the scripts.  I'm about ready to get back to those.  I've had to do some other life things like paying bills and today was career day at the middle school, so I used my time to prepare. 

I need to make some changes in my life because staying in this rut is taking a toll.  The writing is coming along, so as long as I keep plugging away, those good habits are going to serve me well.  It's time to add more stuff to my routine.  Specifically when it comes to my eating and exercising habits.  About 80% of the time, I'm making better eating choices, now it's time to keep track of much I eat.  The other is that I need to be moving more.  When I worked at the other campus, I walked all the time so that really helped.  Since that job ended, I haven't kept it up, which has meant weight gain.  Not a good thing. Especially because of the effect it's having on my knee. It's getting so much worse. I'm in pain all the time which then leads me to not being active and stress eating. Talk about a vicious circle to be caught in. 

My mind and body need help, so it's time to get my head out of the ostrich hole it's been in and take the next steps that I need to move on.

365 days of 40 #204-206

The last few days have been rather challenging emotionally.  There was no one thing that got to me, but a combination of things that were all weighing in me.

First I let my inability to get my scene written psych me out.  I was so close to everything that I couldn't move past it.  I needed to spend time doing other things, to clear my head so that I can come back fresh to it on Monday.  I worked on my slide show and I'll be finishing that up tomorrow.  I also watched a new show, Raising Hope, a comedy.  While I love a good drama, I love Dexter and just saw the 1st episode of Breaking Bad,  I've been watching a lot of them and the content was starting to bring me down.  Which I'm sure wasn't helping my mood.

Next, I let a guy get into my head and made me feel bad about myself.  He was so convinced that my past was black and white when that is the farthest thing from the truth.  There are so many shades of gray and no one reason why I did what I did.  I have a past, most people do.  My past is what had made me who I am today, and while I know I have a long ways to go, I've come a pretty long ways already.

Those plus a few other problems that separately weren't a big deal, all caused me to have a minor  breakdown yesterday.  Mostly I just needed to have a good cry and talk it out and I felt ten times better.

Today was another day of healing.  I worked on cleaning then I went to the audition that I had wanted to attend for a while.  Amazingly enough, I made call backs. Very excited and exciting news there.  I also got to hang out with my buddy from power 90. We did dinner and then a bit of retail therapy. Sales are awesome!  Feeling much better. Tomorrow, I have much to do, but I'm getting back on track and looking forward to life.

365 days of 40 #200-203

I can't believe that I've been 40 for over 200 days.  Where has the time gone? Truly.  Some days seem to fly right on by, while others drag on forever. A lot of it depends on how productive I feel on any given day, when I'm rocking it with the writing, the days seem to go by fast.  Other days, not so much.  I know that for a while I needed to take a break from JAL, which is why I was working on other scripts, but I'm bound and determined to get this script written.  It has taken longer than I had hoped, but if I hadn't set the goal in the first place, it never would have happened.

I finished the scene between my two main characters that was causing me all kinds of problems.  It was an intimate scene, not a sexual one, and the only advice I could find about writing it was about sex scenes, which were decidedly unhelpful.  I knew the tone I wanted but it took forever to find it.  I'm now writing the companion scene, another intimate non sexual scene, but this time the feelings are about pain and betrayal.  I can see the scene, but I can't quite hear what they're saying.  Once this scene is done, I'm almost done.  It's really just about pumping up the end so the third act is strong.  Not that it's horrible now, but it needs a few more hurdles before I get my ending.  It really needs to be earned.  And I can't wait.

I want to send out the best possible script, and after I got feedback about it, I realized that while it was close, it still want good enough to send out.  The last few days I've been rereading older versions, just to see where I had been going with certain ideas.  Many scenes are still in this version, but there are others that I read and I want to gag because they are so bad.

I'm getting to be a better critic of my work and understanding better what works in a screenplay.  I wish I was better at writing witty dialog, but it's not bad.  I know I am really good at writing action sequences.  Sometimes I miss writing with a partner, but I know that when I send this out, it's all me, good and bad.  While daunting, it's also quite satisfying.  I've worked my butt off.

Consistency has been the name of the game.  Power 90 really helped give me a good foundation to put action to my goals, and I'm learning to not beat myself up if I miss a deadline that I came up with, because in still working.  Granted, once I'm working as a paid writer, different story entirely, but my writing most everyday has been getting me in the habit.

That consistency is something I never had before.  I had to mature and grow up.  While I wish I had figured that stuff out sooner, it's really nice to know that things are falling into place.  40 is feeling pretty good.

365 days of 40 #198-199

Today would have been my brother's 35 birthday.  I can't believe it, because in my mind, he's always going to be 14, and that makes me so sad. He was a good kid and I miss him a ton.  My kids would have loved him and the fact that they will never know him truly breaks my heart.  Tomorrow, we're going to do a family dinner, and I'm looking forward to that, because as I get older, I'm realizing how important family is.

Family is why I spent half the day yesterday with my kids at their school's take your parent to school day.  It was a lot of fun to see my kids as individuals as opposed to my babies.  M had issues with being seen with me, but since I'm her mom, I guess it's too be expected. She's at that age.  X on the other hand came to get me so that I could go with him to his classes.  He really wanted to show off in his woods class, and since they were getting introduced to some of the tools, his teacher had X do the honors, so he could show off for me.

Thankfully, I survived their middle school, and there were no major traumas for me to deal with.

I love my kids and they make me so proud. 

365 days of 40 #195-197

The last few days have actually been kind of busy. Yesterday, I went on a field trip with X and M. The 8th grade English classes went and so did the theatre classes, so both kids got to go. If was to see Diary of Anne Frank at the high school.  Since its only a few blocks, the kids walked over to the high school, and I was with M. She, her 2 cute friends and I were the tail end of the herd of kids.  The performance was really good and the kids were a pretty good audio, though, it was pretty funny to listen to then react to the whole "kissing" scene.

The play inspired me with my rewrite that I've been stuck on. I did some rearranging is scenes, so they build better on each other.  I'm really liking how much better it flows.  Now I'm stuck on this scene between my leads that is making me crazy.  It needs to be completely intimate and honest, but not have on the nose dialog. Thus is the scene that really shows how the relationship develops between the leads, so it is extremely  critical to the story.  I almost know what I want to happen, it's getting close.  Once this scene is done, it's just back to tweaking a bit here and there, making sure the buildup is good.

I know why I've been taking my time sending this out, because I knew there were places that just weren't as strong as they needed to be.  When it goes out, it will be the best I can make it.  I really want to submit to Nicholls this year. Maybe a couple of the other big ones as well.  See what happens with stuff.  This is the best my writing had ever been.  I know it's only going ti get better. Exciting stuff.

365 days of 40 #192-194

Being broke really limits the amount of things one can do.  In my case, I didn't leave my house except to run to the grocery store to grab a couple of things so that I could eat.  So between having no money and no kids, I did absolutely nothing exciting.  I watched Dexter which caused me to have weird dreams, I cooked up a few things and worked on my slide show for RS. I'm so excited for my paycheck to come and in theory, my tax return. I can't wait. I'm a little more than completely desperate. I need to get my act together and send out my query letters soon, or I'm going to be stuck for the rest of my life in this  hellish spiral, a constant state of feeling like I'm not going anywhere.  Things have got to change.

365 days of 40 #191

With it being Valentines Day, I had wanted to write some poignant blog about love and relationships, but that seems extremely cliche and I just don't feel like it. Single Awareness Day is not my favorite day of the year. I spent the day working and then watching Dexter which is always fun even if it puts me in a rather grim mood, but it kind of matched everything else about the day, so what the hell.

However, it was at work that I met someone who completely embodied the character of the kid that I wanted in Confessions. We struck up such a completely comfortable conversation, it felt like we'd known each other for years.  It just gave me new insight into the scenes with him and I figured out how to make one if the new ideas that I had come to life and I can see how it will work.  I didn't write as much as I had hoped though, there were more employees than patrons in the lab.  Instead, I worked on the video slide show that I'm making for Relief Society.  It was fun and it was nice being creative.  I'm going to have to work at it everyday. 

So, another Valentines Day bites the dust.  Maybe, eventually I'll find someone, but no rush.  I'm worth the wait.

365 days of 40 #187-190

The last few days have been challenging, I've not gotten nearly the amount of writing done that I had hoped to do, though yesterday and today I was significantly more productive in other ways: from balancing my checkbook too filing my taxes, I did get quite a bit done.

I know that I'm still getting the hang ups about my job get to me. Hopefully I won't be employed there much longer, and the full time job that I want will happen, but in the meantime, I do need to take advantage of the time that I have and finish the freakin thing. I know it has to do a lot with my anxiety when it comes to going back to reading my script, but I know I need to get over it. There's no such thing as a perfect script, and mine is no different I just need to make it as good as I can so that when I do send it out is going to knock people sucks off.

I think getting all of the other odds and ends that needed to be done of my plate has definitely helped my mental well-being, and since I have to go to school early with Marquella tomorrow, I plan on spending several hours in the morning before going to work at the library. I'm so much more productive there, till tomorrow.

365 days of 40 #186

Last night I got to hang out with my power 90 buddy, which was great.  It was nice to feel back in the system, even for a short time.  We had baked potatoes and chocolate, what more could you ask for.  We played catchup and watched Shakespeare in Love, a favorite film of mine that I hadn't seen in years.  It was nice to share it with her, it was one she hadn't seen.

In preparation for her coming over,  I got a good portion of the house cleaning done.  The kids rooms still desperately need help, and so does mine.  My goal is to keep the house up so this weekend I can clean my room.

I managed to make it to church today, two weeks in a row.  It's been a while since that had happened. It was quite lovely and I'm glad I went, though when I got home, I was quite tired and I took a long nap. 

More strange dreams, if only I could figure out how to remember them, they would make great movies.  I really have awesome dreams.

Now, I'm just rambly, so it's time to call it quits and head to bed.  My goal is to head to the computer lab early tomorrow and write for a while before I report to work.  We'll see how that goes.  I want to finish my rewrite by the end of next week. Entirely doable, I just need to be disciplined.  Let's see how my newfound goal setting works.

365 days of 40 #182-185

The last few days I've deliberately avoided writing anything because my new job has been rather depressing and I know that I've allowed myself to be depressed about it.  I know that's a very selfish attitude; I know that I'm lucky to have a job, but I'm just tired of going in a backward direction and feeling like I'm not moving forward.

Starting on Monday, I'm going to be at the other campus and it's going to be beyond quiet, so I just need to take advantage of the time and work on my writing. I don't want the inertia of inaction to become contagious and keep me trapped in the black hole that keeps me from my dreams.

I'm so close, I really am. 

There is no reason that I can't finish my stuff.  In fact, I can send out query letters next week and continue to work on my rewrite at the same time because it's going to take me a while to hear back, kill 2 birds with one stone.  I need to get a handle on my malaise before I tumble into a deep depression again, because I am feeling good about most everything else.  X and M are doing fantastic, they both did fantastic on report cards this quarter, X is back in school full time, M and I have Fiddler on the Roof, and my writing is the best it's ever been.

40 really is good, I can't let life's setbacks keep me down.  I have so much to live for!

365 days of 40 #181

I wish I could say that I was productive, I was, just not the way that I was hoping, ie writing. I downloaded a new app on my phone,  a to do list that even links with my calendar. I created my to do list, and then put timers on different items. One of the timers that I put on, was on clean bathroom. I decided it was going to be easier to actually just cleaned the bathroom as opposed to trying to change the timer. Who knew. :-) and yea, I have a clean bathroom.

I've had a few other things happen today, the Relief Society meeting about relationships was very well done, and I started my new job.  Not exactly sure how I feel about that, but it's a job. Gotta make the most of my time.

My internal time clock is telling me it's time for bed. 

365 days of 40 #179-180

The problem with being alone and broke means that my life is extremely boring at times, and I go back to wasting time that could be used for getting things done.  But since I start my new job tomorrow, hopefully my life will be at least a little bit more exciting.  I know I'm stressed about it, but maybe it's going to be a good thing.  Having a large chunk of time to work on writing and its associated tasks, ie, looking for an agent, is going to be a good thing.  I want to shoot something this year, and this time will help move that along.  Of course, wondering how I'm going to pay my bills is not conducive to being creative, so we'll just have to see.  I need to be positive about things.  I have a lot riding on this.

365 days of 40 #177-178

I'm stressed about life, though I am now officially employed.  I got a job back at SLCC working in the computer lab.  Unfortunately, it's a part time position, but work is work, so I'm not going to complain too much.   I'm just going to take advantage as much as possible of the position and do everything I can to keep moving forward, so I don't lose momentum.

The last few days, I've really been focusing on script writing, in this case, it's Just After a Lifetime (a new title will be forthcoming), which is coming along slowly.  Once I got into my rewrite, it became more intense than I was expecting, but not necessarily in a bad way.  The action sequences are working just fine, it's the relationship between my leads that's where the problem was, so I've been working on improving and pumping it up.  It took me a lot longer than I had expected to figure out the problem or rather how to fix the problem, but at least I figured it out.  The hardest part now is actually writing the scenes.  I know what the outcome of the relationship is, it's just filling out the scenes with more "juice" between them.  I think they don't have as much substance as they need to have and consequently, the relationship feels really anemic, and since anemia is bad in many many ways, I'm trying to give it a blood transfusion.

Okay, I can tell it's getting really late and I'm getting loopy, because I'm starting to use really bad analogies for my writing, which means it's getting to be time for me to go to bed.  Tomorrow, I need to spend the day cleaning my house, I can't stand it anymore.  Hopefully, I can have a good productive day, writing and cleaning, then do something very exciting in the evening.  What that might be, I have absolutely no idea, though it's probably going to have something to do with my Kickstarter project that I started.  I'm going to take my time getting it all in order, there is no rush, but since it's February 1st, having a deadline to launch it of May 1, gives me 90 days to put it together.

All of a sudden, I feel good about that, especially since I set that arbitrary date just now.  90 days is a good amount of time to have a good concrete plan for the next step in my career.  I'm excited about getting my project off the ground.

365 days of 40 #176

I spent the day working on my logline, only to realize that I needed to include a scene that refers back to said logline. I know that my script was running on the short side, but I couldn't figure out what to add.  Then I realized that I need to include this scene and as I was rereading the script to figure out where it should go, I found several scenes that need work, all of them are in act 3, so it's a good thing I realized I was kind of dumb, because now I can fix those problems.  It's also good that I let it sit for a while, because I was too close to it.  I'm much more rational about it and can see things clearer.  I'm looking forward to working on things tomorrow. 

None of the scenes require massive work, more like a series of mini face lifts. I want this script to knock an agents socks off.  I'm getting there.  If I can make this as strong as script as possible, there's no reason why I can't get some movement on this soon.

It's amazing how much more confidence one has when you know you've done you're absolute best.

365 days of 40 #175

I heard back about 2 different jobs today which is very exciting, so hopefully I'll be back to being employed soon. In the meantime, I need to really get my butt in gear and get some more writing done before I go back to work.  If all goes well, I only have one more week on unemployment, so I have lots to finish.  Today, I ended up helping out Tiff and the boys and didn't end up getting other stuff done. It's okay though.  Family is important.  Tomorrow, it's time to head back to the library, but not too early.  Mornings are just very painful. At least when we wake up in the morning, it should be warm.  Hopefully, the latest fix on my furnace will keep working.  It can't have been easy for our maintenance guy to keep coming out, but when a part is failing, sometimes, there's nothing you can do. 

Cleaning and writing, two of my least favorite things to do, await me, so it's time for bed.

365 days of 40 #173-174

Sundance is over, which is always so sad. Once again, I wasn't able to see as many movies as I wanted, but I did manage to see a few good ones.

Friday night, Nancy and I were able to sneak out and see, "The trip to Italy", a British comedy with Steve Coogan. It was pretty good. It was really nice to be able to hang out with her because I haven't had a chance to see her since she's had the new baby.  Sometimes it's really hard to maintain friendships because people get busy and that is always so sad.

Saturday, I was able to usher for the Indian film, "The Lunch Box", which was a wonderful and uplifting story.  It didn't have a happy ending per se, but it had a hopeful ending, one where you really hoped that once the credits rolled, they managed to get together.  I thought it was probably the best film that I saw.

Later, I managed to get one final film in,  "What We Do In The Shadows", thanks to volunteer tickets.  It was by far the funniest film I had seen.  A vampire mockumentary,  and I laughed my ass off.  Both of the ones I saw on Saturday, I totally want to buy of I can get the chance. 

It's time for me to get over myself and get my stuff going, because I'm tired of not living my dream.  My films are good enough to be made. I just need to keep remembering that.

365 days of 40 #171-172

It's really sad when you pause for several seconds before you start writing because you don't know what you want to write about.  Really, not much has happened to make life all that interesting. 

The most exciting thing was picking M up from school early today because she's sick.  Poor kid.  She gets very cuddly when she doesn't feel good.  Nothing more than a cold, but it's amazing how awful it can make someone feel.

I just got home from my 4th night of Sundance.  I'm gonna go see some films tomorrow and Saturday day before my last night of volunteering that night.

I know I need to get some sleep, last night's dreams were very weird, car repairs and magic clouds and kept me from getting a good sleep.  Odd combination of I don't know what.  I just want to keep reading my book, a very funny and insightful book about writing screenplays, but my brain is finally shutting down, so I need to take advantage.

Busy weekend ahead of me.

365 days of 40 #170

I have a job interview on Friday, which is good, unfortunately it is a part time job which sucks. It is at SLCC which means it is like going home, but I have to admit it was nice making really good money.  Being able to pay all my bills and having extra at the end of the month was amazing.  This job is going to be less than what I was making at SLCC at the end, so that's a problem, but living on unemployment is worse. 

I just need to focus on sending out query letters.  I've got to get over the anxiety of the whole thing.  It is quite ridiculous for me to be so neurotic about the whole thing. I have people who were interested before, so there is reason to believe that I might be able to find people who are interested now.

I don't think it's really even about people saying no.  It's the possibility that people won't like it and think it sucks and tell me that I'm completely insane for wanting to be a screenwriter, let alone a film maker.  Talk about serious doubts.  I can do this, I know I can, but fighting the voices in my head is an uphill battle.  It's exhausting and so hard to overcome. 

Tomorrow I just need to focus on the query letters.  I don't have to send it out, I just have to get it written.

I can do that.  Really.

365 days of 40 #166-169

3 busy days of Sundance.  Very exciting.  I just really wish that I could have gone to Park City, but traffic was going to be a bitch, and I just didn't have extra gas money. One of these years I really do need to go up and hang out on Main Street when all the celebrities are up there.

I have been able to see a couple of shows. I saw Overnighters, a documentary about the oil fields in North Dakota, and how people were struggling to find jobs once they moved up there, like the old Gold Rush boom towns. The director was there for Q&A afterwards, & I thought it was really pretty well done.

The other one that I saw, Wetlands, was a bit more challenging. It was a German film with English subtitles, but that wasn't the problem.  Its a movie based off of a coming-of-age book about a girl who is a bit obsessed with bodily fluids. That's a nice way of putting things. 

As a writer, I'm all about pushing the envelope, and sometimes certain things are more taboo than others.  I really don't have a problem with things, but sometimes being super graphic, takes you out of the story. There are a few things that nearly made me vomit, I know part of it is that I really do have a weak stomach when it comes to some body functions, I don't think I ever recovered after being pregnant because there are just some things that I can't handle.

Oh well, such is life. I am really excited to see some films later this week. I'm really hoping that I can go out with some friends, otherwise I'll just basically live at the theater by myself. I guess there are worse things.

In other news, X is going back to school for half days starting tomorrow. The new semester starts next week and I'm really excited for him, but I know he's kind of anxious. I wish I could help, but there's not much I can do. M is doing well and no real exciting things to report with her.

Tomorrow, I'm getting back to the writing and job hunt. X and I are going to be hitting the library after I pick him up from school.  I need to get back on track to have another productive week. 

365 days of 40 #165

In terms of writing, I wasn't all that productive.  I only got 4 pages written.  I know that as much as I want to write more, but I know that my stress about not having a job is weighing heavily on me.  I need to focus on my job hunt better, then get back to the writing.  I'm sure that will help get the creativity back.

My very handsome son is finally starting to feel better and had been easing back into school.  He's been going to 2 classes a day.  Next week he'll be doing half days till the following week which is the start of the new semester and he'll be back full time.  We're going slowly to help keep his anxiety levels down.  When you have a chronic illness that is exasperated by anxiety, it's best to keep things chill.

The other big news was that my beautiful daughter had her first dance recital tonight and she did a great job.  I'm so proud of her.  As I look at how much she has grown up in just the last few months, it boggles my mind.  I can't wait to see what she does with her life.

Tomorrow is my first night for Sundance, so I need to get some sleep.  It's gonna be great!!!