365 days of 40 #117

Today, I was reminded how much I'm so glad that I'm not a teenager.  X's best friend got kicked out of his house and showed up here.  I'm so grateful that I told him that he would always have a safe place and that he felt comfortable coming here.  I remember how emotional it was being that age and sometimes I needed a break from my mom, so I totally get it.  He's a good kid and he and X are good for each other.  Being part of a family can be so hard, but I'm glad that mine is a safe place for my kids and their friends.

365 days of 40 #116

Today was Thanksgiving, and it was great to be able to spend time with my kids as well as the rest of my family.  It started off really really because we needed to get baking done, so M got me up really early.  Far earlier than I was expecting or even realized.  It was a blast though. She and I made pumpkin pies and stuffing.  She did a lot of the work and I'm so proud of her.  Then I realized it was only like 11a so I laid down and took a nap.

At my mom's house there was much food, fun and laughs, though there were a few tears.  X and one of the twins sometimes have a hard time getting along so we had to deal with some hurt feelings, but then life was good again.  The end of the day was fun, we went down to tiffs house and watched Dear Dumb Diary, which was the film that both X and M were in earlier this year.  We played spot the kid, and saw both of them. 

So as this day of thanks draws to a close, I'm going to give thanks for my kids who make my life better than I ever thought possible.  The rest of my family,  my sister, her hubby and soon to be kids and my mom are also so important to me.  I have wonderful friends as well.  Despite all of the challenges, my life is really good. 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

365 days of 40 #115

So apparently, I fell asleep last night while writing my blog and unfortunately it didn't get saved which really irks me.  Anyway, I had my "tator time" meeting with Heidi and it was awesome.  Basically, it's a one on one counseling session to hone in on the goal you set for your power 90 goal.  It really helped me get back on track, but also expand what I'm doing in my next power 90 goal, so I don't lose momentum. 

I had been struggling with my TV show idea, feeling completely uninspired with it, which started me day dreaming about a new Web series idea.  As I was looking into kick starter as a way to possibly fund it, I had new inspiration about my TV series idea, which included the idea of doing it as a Web series as well.  Needless to say, I'm feeling really good about finishing my power 90 goal and keeping my momentum going.

Because one of my patterns of failure in the past has been jumping from idea to idea and never finishing anything, I wanted to avoid that, but I didn't want to lose my new idea.  I learned some tricks that will help me finish what I start even as I am constantly coming up with new ideas. 

As I had prepared for my meeting, my brain had been on complete over drive. I was a ball full of energy about ready to explode and I had absolutely no focus.  During my meeting, we looked at what I still needed to do and how to tie in my new inspiration. We were able to focus all of the energy. Instead of being all over the place, I became laser focused.  I'm really grateful for being tied into a system that will help me succeed.  For the first time in a long time, I'm more than just hopeful about my chances of success.  I have a game plan and someone to be accountable to.  I also have a support system full of people who want me to succeed.  It's nice to not feel completely insane because of my goals.  I'm starting to feel more and more like a film maker as opposed to just a dreamer. 

Life is good.

365 days of 40 #114

It was an extremely long day at work. Between meetings and on the phone meetings, and an 11 hour day,my brain really hurts. It was almost 9 when we got home and I discovered that my mom delivered Christmas early and  I got the best present ever. It's my favorite one I get, a year's supply of paper products and cleaning supplies. Seriously, it's awesome, because there is nothing worse than being in the middle of going to the bathroom and discovering you're or if TP. Tomorrow is another busy day, but thankfully, I don't have to go to work till Friday.  It's an extra 2 days I get to relax and hang with my kids.  Granted, we have some cleaning and baking to do, but then we spend the rest of the week relaxing.  Once the kids are back at their dad's, I'm sans kids and I'm going to focus on writing.  I've decided, because I'm making myself crazy with my TV show, I'm going to break it up by also working on my Web series.  I feel really good about that, especially since I'm feeling some serious pressure to have a lot to show by the end of the year.  I'm tired of waiting, they are no excuses.  I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to do the power 90 class, it's been truly life changing.  Now it's time for bed so I can be productive tomorrow.

365 days of 40 #113

I'm getting back on track with everything, which with the holidays is going to make life just more exciting.  Between news that I received at work and the idea for my Web series floating around in my head, I know that I've been distracted.  I'm sure that it's just the familiar old beliefs that I'm fighting.  This last power 90 class was about finding a new belief that will keep me going and take the place of the old.  In this case, my old belief is that "I'm not good enough, no one will ever want to hire me, no one will every want to be with me." In a word,  rejection.  It's a constant battle to fight the fear of rejection which is why it's been so hard for me to send my scripts out.  "What if they don't like it?" I'm working on saying, "who cares what THEY think?" I have too many people in my life who care about me.  I don't need to worry about "they".

Anyways, during the class we constructed a representation of the old belief. Using play dough of all things, but it was very effective.  Then we got to burn and bury them.  I'm really looking forward to not facing that old belief any more.  Then we worked on a new belief.  Mine was that I'm loved and accepted.  We used play dough again and created a new representation of our belief, hence today's picture of the heart.

My heart. 

It's pretty cinna-spice-a-licious, if I do say so myself.  Cinna-spice-a-licious is my new word that will remind me just how awesome I am.  And it really does work.  Yesterday I was feeling not bad, but not great any was close to heading down a wrong path.  My new word popped into my head and I had an  immediate smile on my face.

So here's to being cinna-spice-a-licously awesome.

365 days of 40 #109 to 112

I've been in complete avoidance mode with my blog, and I have absolutely no reason why.  I think I've just been a little overwhelmed with life.  I'm getting back into the groove of things and getting my rear into gear. I know I owe myself a good long blog, but I have too much stuff to finish before bed to give it the time and attention it deserves.  I had some news that I wasn't quite expecting, and it's thrown me for a loop, so I'm taking some time to re evaluate my options and how I can make my power 90 goal work for me.  So, back to the grindstone.  Lots to do and less time to do it in. 

365 days of 40 #108

So, apparently I was really tired.  One minute I was sitting on my bed reading something on my phone, the next I wake up and it's 3am. I so totally don't remember even falling asleep.  Crazy.  So needless to say, my replay of my ropes course will have to continue tomorrow.  In the meantime, I've started getting ready for Christmas which makes me happy, except for having lights that don't work, even though last year I took great care to store them carefully.  Stupid lights.  Oh well, life is good, I need to remember that.

365 days of 40 #109

When we got back from lunch we split into 2 teams.   My team first went to “The Anchor”, which was a hanging log that was chained to a tree.  The object of the exercise was to get everyone onto the log, balance it and sing “Row row row your boat”.  It took a little while, but we managed to get it done.  Then it was time to change and we walked to the giant swing.  Which is exactly what it was, a giant swing.  You get all strapped in and then your teams pulls on a rope and pulls you all the way up.  Once you get to the top, it’s time to state your objectives and then let go.

I was extremely nauseous and had to close my eyes, but it allowed me to center myself and focus. 
 

365 days of 40 #107

Help! I’ve fallen and you know what, I can get up.

That’s my new motto after this last weekend’s rope course adventure when I literally fell, and not just a little fall.  It was a pretty spectacular one.  I have the bruises to prove it.

A bit of background, a ropes course is a series of challenges designed not only to test one physically but mentally as well and part of my Power 90 program is a ropes course.  Our assignment going into the course was to pick the biggest hang up or challenge that we’ve been facing when it comes to accomplishing our Power 90 goal, which in my case has been to finish 2 screenwriting projects that have been just floating around close to being done, but for whatever reason, I haven’t finished.  My 2 hang-ups were #1 that “I’m not good enough” and #2 that I have all of this energy, but it’s not focused in any one direction, so energy is wasted.  

So as we pulled up to the ropes course a very early and snowy Saturday morning, I really had no idea what to expect.  I’d heard stories, but it’s not until you actually see it that it sinks in.   Our first activity was more of a brain teaser than anything particularly physical, but it was a way for us to start working together.  The 2nd activity was much more challenging.  We had to get 17 people crowded on one small platform to an even smaller platform across a “pit of dragon guano” that would kill us instantly if we touched the ground.  The only means of transportation was a rope hanging from a tree.  Needless to say, this is where things started getting interesting or painful, depending on how you look at it.

Things started off fine, we had a couple of young kids who could just fly across and help everyone at the landing.  We got 6 or 7 across without any incident, and then it was my turn.  Now I’m not at all athletic, you could even say that I’m challenged.  Seriously, I tore my meniscus walking down the stairs, so I had my work cut out for me.   Everyone was helping me get secured on the rope when someone lost their grip on me and I started swinging across.

Now as much as I would like to think that I’m as cool as Joan Wilder in Romancing the Stone when she swings across the gorge, that’s just not me.  I only got about ½ way across when I got spun around and lost my grip and fell.

Hard.

I landed on my hip and back then smacked the back of my head.  It was all I could do to lay there because I was beyond dazed.  Thankfully I never lost consciousness.  As I got up and hobbled off to the side, it was dead silent.  Everyone was stunned almost as bad I was.  But it was also the moment when the tone of the entire day changed.  I think for the better.  The entire group became more focused and there was an attitude of no one is going to be left behind.  Everyone was much more conscious as they took their time getting people on the rope.  

It took me several minutes to get back up and moving, but I wanted to finish the challenge.  That was the moment when I realized that it doesn’t matter how hard I fall, or how many bruises I get or how battered I am, I can get up and I can keep going, even if I’m in pain or moving really, really slow.  Knowing that it was going to be really too hard for me to cross on the rope, I took advantage of the “golden shoes” that I was awarded and took hold of the rope and walked across.  Everyone greeted me as enthusiastically as if swung across.   I was able to finish the challenge, even if it wasn’t exactly how I imagined.

The next challenge was a 2-parter.  The first one was done silently, which was kind of cool.  Everyone took turns lying down on the ground and we lifted them up.  I have to admit, when it was my turn, I kept thinking, “please don’t drop me, please don’t drop me”.  Thankfully, I wasn’t dropped and it was even cool to be lifted up by everyone.  The next part was even more challenging.  It was the Trust Fall. 

And I was absolutely terrified.   Thank goodness for my buddy, Christine and Doug.  I needed and got a lot of hugs.  By the time I climbed up onto the top of the stump, I was shaking.  It was really hard.  Even now as I think about it, I’m getting all teary.  I knew that everyone was there, waiting to catch me, but it required me to let go of pretty much everything.  But I did it. :)

Of course when I landed, I was apologizing to everyone, because I was afraid I hurt them.  Instead, everyone was telling me how proud they were of me and I felt really loved and taken care of.  It was a good reminder: I’m not alone, and I have people who really do love and care about me.   I’m also more capable than I often give myself credit for.  For me, it’s easy to not judge other people, but it’s really hard for me to not judge myself. 

After that, we had a lunch break.  Gotta love Wendy’s.  But the nice thing was that, people were still worried about me and kept checking on me to make sure that I was okay. 

So that's the end of part 1. I'll finish the test of my tale tomorrow. 

365 days of 40 #106

I need one more day to recover. Today I've been so sore I can hardly move.  I just took some pain killers that are knocking me out and in the process making me really loopy.

365 days of 40 #105

Today was the ropes course for power 90 and it was amazing.  I have so much to write about, but I'm am so tired and sore that I need time to process it all, so long post tomorrow.  One of the biggest things that I did come away with was that even if I fall and I may be battered and bruised, I can still get up and keep going. 

365 days of 40 #104

The saying from Alice in Wonderland comes to mind, "we're all a little mad in here." With a mild case of bi polar, I do experience some mood swings, and right now I'm in a manic mode.  I've been extremely creative at both home and work and I've been working on my power 90 goals which in turn has my brain going a million miles an hour and I have ideas flying at me continually.  Thankfully, I don't do too much stuff that will cause me grief later.  I did a bit of retail therapy yesterday and bought 4 pairs of shoes.  I suppose that might be extreme, but I did it after paying all of my bills.  A very responsible thing to do if I do say so myself.  :)

The problem is, when I get like this, all of the ideas are such a jumble in my head and it's hard for me to focus. It's the whole getting the ideas out of my head and onto paper or computer or whatever medium is available.  I really wish there was a brain-computer interface.  It would make my life so much easier.  Earlier, I was so wound up I could barely function. I did discover though, that if I can talk to someone, I can get rid of some of the energy and even just that little bit helps me mellow out. 

I've been in a rather depressed state for so long that I forgot what it was like to be in a manic state. It's pretty cool, but at the same time I can completely understand how this can make someone feel like they are losing their mind.  My case is rather mild all things considered, but my heart goes out to people that have more severe cases.  It can be debilitating.  It's crazy what a bit of insanity can do in and to your life. 

365 days of 40 #103

Apparently I'm in denial, yesterday was Xander's birthday. He turned 14. I guess I just wasn't ready to deal with that fact. We weren't really able to celebrate his birthday until tonight, but last night the two of us the spent some time just talking about everything. Walmart may not be the most exciting place, but it is a pretty cool place to go and have conversations with no other care in the world. Sometimes the best presents don't cost any money, it's just the time that you're willing to spend and invest in your child.  Both of my kids are helping me become a better parent everyday.

Tonight we had an awesome dinner and spend time together as a family. It's been pretty cool to see how amazing my children are becoming. I have the sweetest kids ever and I know how lucky I am. We have our struggles, but they make my life worth living. I wouldn't have it any other way. :-)

365 days of 40 #102

I hate it when I go into avoidance mode.  I'm working on my TV script and in the last week or so, I had an idea pop into my head and I've totally been hung up on it and I could probably even make it happen as a Web series which I would think would be a blast and I could even find it next year.  I just need to stay focused on my power 90 goal and get this one done. I'm over halfway done.  Crazy to think that.  Just need to write the idea down and keep plugging away.  I have much to look forward to in the next few months.

365 days of 40 #101

The last couple of days I've shut down when I got home.  Between work being crazy, in a completely good way, and trying to recover from the insanity of last week, when I was finishing my screenplay, I've needed a break.  As a family we discovered a new show on Netflix, "Chuck" and it's my new favorite show.  But it's time to get back on track and work on my own tv show.  Besides, if I don't, I'm going to spontaneously combust.  The sexual frustration that I'm feeling is making more than slightly crazy.  I might as well channel that energy into something productive and not let it go to waste.  Of course, I worry about the safety of the person the next time I go on a date. Hopefully, they won't mind too much.  ;)

365 days of 40 #100

Yet another land mark post, simply because I've hit 100. Or at least that's what I should say about the whole thing, but aside from keeping busy with work, kids and plugging away on my power 90 goal, life is really good.  Despite all of my hangups and neurosis, I'm really happy and excited because I know I'm moving forward.  So for the next 100 days I get to look forward to taking the next steps on my journey knowing that I'm exactly where I need to be.  :)

365 days of 40 #98 and 99

This weekend was good, but I was so tired that I crashed hard and while I did get stuff done, I didn't get my blog written.  It is now 6am and I'm so tired, I just want to go back to sleep, but work calls. It's time to get back to business and work on shadow chaser. Good stuff. 

365 days of 40 #97

So I finished.  My goal was to finish by 7pm and I finished at 6:25. It was very intense and my brain hurts.  The best part though was that I set a goal and did it.  I hit my blue ring and got to ring the bell.  It was glorious.  It's hard to believe I started this journey just 6 weeks ago. Success is contagious, you get a taste and you want to do it again.  It's time to start working on my red ring, which means finishing the TV show Bible and pilot for  Shadow chaser. 

It's time for bed, but before I do, here is a cute picture of the 2 kittens that I fed earlier tonight.  I'll try and get them to come home with me some other time, though hopefully before it gets too dang cold.

365 days of 40 #95 and 96

Last night I crashed, I was so freaking tired.  Tonight, I'm less than 2 pages from finishing this script.  My brain really hurts.  Just stuck on this last scene, though oddly enough, not the end. Funny how that happens.  Keeping it short.  Too busy for much more than that.

365 days of 40 #94

I'm ssssooooo close to finishing my script and I was hoping to finish it tonight, but my brain has hit overload and I'm starting to get really loopy.  As much as I wanted it done this last weekend, I'm going to this week, hopefully tomorrow. It's amazing what having a concrete plan does to help.  Being accountable to someone is also quite helpful.
Before I started power 90, finishing my script was just something I wanted to do.  Now it's a reality.  I wish I'd found this system years ago, but I have to remember that it's happening now because I was ready for the message. Timing is everything. 

Blue ring here I come!!!!

Other bonus, I voted today.  So yay me. 

365 days of 40 #93

This blog post will be short and sweet. I'm having way too much fun writing my script.  I'm seeing that its quite possible for me to finish the script in the next couple of days. Thank goodness for writing scenes that just needed to be placed in a different spot. :-)

In the meantime I'm looking forward to having snow on the ground tomorrow. I've been watching the snow line move down the mountains which is always interesting. So here is a picture of the snow line / cloud cover from this afternoon. Hopefully tomorrow it will be even lower. :-)

365 days of 40 #92

Today has been a delightfully productive day of torturing my characters.  Always good for a smile.  I've also had my good guy do something extremely morally ambiguous which is going to cost him for a while.

*sigh*  I love being a writer.

Besides, if I'm going to bleed as a writer, all my characters are going to join me. :)

365 days of 40 #91

I wasn't nearly as productive as I was hoping to be.  I just felt ridiculously distracted.  Every time I was working in the script, my mind just wandered.  The whole day has felt like that, I can't seem to focus on anything.  So tomorrow is going to be a busy day.  Much to get done.  Hopefully my brain will just shut down tonight and let me work through my story problems subconsciously.

365 days of 40 #90

So according to my calculations, I've been 40 for 90 days.  It doesn't seem possible.  So much has happened to me of late, truly good things, that is really hard to believe.  When I started this, I wasn't really sure where I was going with it, other than track my journey and I must say I've been really glad that I have.  It couldn't have been clearer than tonight.  I was and still am, completely exhausted.  This week has been insane, but in a good way.  I was reminded that my desire to live in a state of gratitude has affected my life for the good.  Sure, I'm having struggles, everyone does, but attitude makes such a huge difference in how you deal with the struggles.  I think turning 40 has made me really appreciate all of the wonderful people and other things in my life.  So as I embark on my next 90 days of 40, I'm going to let this attitude of gratitude continue and try to share it with my kids and everyone else who I meet. After all, it only takes a single spark to start a fire, and maybe my spark can change the world.