End of an era...

Well not really, but 2012 has been a better year, one of the best I've had in a long time. After today, this is the last year I will be in my thirties. Ten years ago 40 seem so daunting. There were so many things that I wanted to get done, and well some things worked out somethings didn't, but I'm really excited as I finish this on coming year.

40 doesn't seem nearly as scary as it used to be.

This last year I've made lots of strides in my life and plan on continuing to make bigger and better strides. I've been so focused on taking baby steps that I sabotaged myself because I was afraid.

I don't have to be afraid anymore, which is a fantastic feeling. For the first time in a long time I see hope and don't feel like I'm deluding myself.

I've finally put the pieces of the puzzle together, after flipping them all over and working on the edges, the picture is becoming so clear.

Last night I wrote the ending to my screenplay, and even if I change things later I know that it can be done.

By the end of January I want to set up appointments to meet with local producers, send out my scripts, and even head to LA if the opportunity arises.

January is the perfect month for lots of inspiration and networking. It's Sundance in just a couple of weeks and this year I'm going to make the most of it.

My motto this year is no more fear, I'm not going to let setbacks hold me hostage. I know I can get over them, but I would also let myself get derailed by them.

Totally not going to let that happen, ever again.

Back to the rewrite, lots to do before the kids get home and we begin our celebrations.

I can't wait for 2013! It's my year of the dragon!

It's the end of the world as we know it

Tell me, who hasn't had that song floating around in their brains for the last week. With all this talk of the apocalypse, people have gone a little nuts.

Personally, I don't believe that the world will end in an hour, or anytime in the next 24. I'm going to look at this as a new lease on life. I guess you could say I'm doing my new years resolutions little early this year.

Instead of making a lot of big ones, I'm just going to continue with a few smaller ones, building on the good habits that I've been working on this year.

This has been a really good year for me getting in shape. My arms have never been so buff, and I've never felt so strong. I'm going to continue walking and lifting weights everyday while I'm at work. I want to add doing my elliptical everyday for 30 minutes, though it will take some time to work up to the 30 minutes. I'm going to continue to make better food choices and not beat myself up if I screw up 1 day.

I'm making a concerted effort to be more attentive to my kids. These days my kids really need me. I'm really looking for new activities we can do as a family.

Finally, I'm going to get rid of distractions that are keeping me from my career dreams.

Unfortunately, they seem like the same goals that I set in the past, which of course they are but I'm already a lot farther making them happen that I have in a long time.

So, yes this is the end of my world as I know it, and I'm good with that. I only have great things a head of me.

Gingerbread house - me

My masterpiece. :)

Gingerbread house - Marquella

Marquella did a great job on her house.

Gingerbread houses - Xander

Xander's post apocalyptic house.

Life interrupted part 39.5

Life has gotten the better of me the last few weeks and I haven't taken the time to write. So many things have happened in the last month, it's hard to know where to begin.

Xander is recovering from his surgery and after several weeks of being out of school he finally went back today. Unfortunately, things didn't go quite as well as I had hoped. I think anxiety got the best of him, and he managed to work himself up into a ball of stress.  I finally just had to leave him at the school, but it was really hard because of watching the tears running down his face. His school day ended on a better note, and thankfully there are only 3 more days of school this week until Christmas break.

Marquella is doing just great and I'm so proud of her. I can't remember if I mentioned it before but she's going to district for the science fair. With all of the attention that Xander has been getting lately, it's been important for me to spend time with her. Last weekend we went and saw Brave at the dollar theater, hung out at the mall and generally had a good time together.

I finished classes, my Photoshop class was pretty cool and I learned some interesting stuff in my event planning classes. I'm torn about taking classes next semester. Yes I have free classes but I'm not sure the emotional and mental cost is worth it right now. I have too many things on my plate and I need to sit down and prioritize my life.
What I really want to do is make movies, which was really hammered home at the Utah film commission luncheon last week. I was hanging out with the people that I really want to hang out with. I need to stop using my children as an excuse and start using them as a reason.

There only 3 more days of work for me then I have 10 days off in a row. I need to take that time and clean my house and get my life in order so that next year I can focus on my career and my kids.

Forty is just a few months away and I have so much to do before then. I can't afford any more months of being "interrupted".

Day #26

So this post is just a few days late.  Life just got in the way.  Anyway, this poster is in honor of the fact that Marquella and I have been cast as chorus members in the Bluffdale Arts Council production of the Music Man for 2013. Should be lots of fun!

When do you have "the talk"?

I have 2 kids, ages 13 and 11 (almost 12) and I'm trying to figure out how to have the "talk".  

No, not the "sex talk".  We had that talk ages ago.

No, I'm talking about an even tougher topic...Santa.

It's true, I haven't had that talk with my kids because there is something about the innocence of believing in him.  I'm sure that they have heard talk about the fact that there isn't a Santa at their school or playing with friends or their cousins, but I think they still want to believe, because it's magic, and truthfully, I don't want to be the one to break their hearts.

As I watch my kids, they are getting so big (both of them are almost taller than me), but right now they still need me.  They still want hugs and cuddles and me to be there for them.  I only have a few years left with them, I need to make sure that I really make them count.


I'm not really looking forward to the day when they will be too big for that, which is why I'm not really looking forward to the day they stop believing in Santa, because when they stop believing, it means that they really are growing up and I guess I'm really not ready for that either.

Day #25

What I wish the weather was like, not this over cast hazy crap that's hanging over the valley right now.

Day #24

Woke up very cold this morning, unfortunately there was no snow.  

The cold is just making me miss my favorite beach of all time.  New Smyrna Beach, Florida.  Just south of Daytona Beach.

Day #23

Why it's important to always read the signs.

Day #22

Something to make you smile...          

...Or make you really really scared.

Day #21

Another of my drawings. For my first dragon, not to bad.

Day #20

In my photoshop class I have to create a t-shirt design.  This is my attempt at learning to draw.

Pain is beautiful

*** Beware the spoilers if you have seen Phantom of the Opera.***

As a writer and filmmaker, it is my job to tell a story and capture moments and share them. Those moments are funny or dramatic or sad, but the moment needs to be real.

Sometimes those moments are painful and yet when that pain is honest, it can be breath-takingly beautiful.

My latest obsession has been listening to Broadway show tunes, which then lead me to watching some on Netflix. That was where I watched the 25th anniversary performance of Phantom of the Opera.

Years ago I had been fortunate to see it in Los Angeles with Michael Crawford as the Phantom. I admit that there had been parts that I hadn't understood, so I was glad to watch it again. From a purely story point of view, its not as strong as some others, but the music is amazing. I've listened to the soundtrack countless times over the years. In the last several days, I've listened to the performance multiple times as well.

It was while I was watching the truly tortured Phantom and his desire to be loved, even just be touched by another human being, that I was completely brought to tears. Now those that know me, know that I cry at everything, but this was different. 

Yes, it was gut wrenching, but in those moments that his pain was mesmerizing and beautiful. I'm sure there will be those who disagree and I'm okay with that.

Watching the Phantom change before your eyes is incredible. He is angry, in love with Christine and wants her to choose between him and Raoul. When Christine finally understands his loneliness and pain, she kisses the Phantom. His expression is a combination of unadulterated shock and pure bliss. He realizes that he can never be with her and sets both Raoul and Christine free.

His cry of "Go! Go now and leave me!"is haunting. Everything he had, everything he wanted was slipping through his fingers.

Who among us hasn't felt lost, abandoned and without hope? In that moment, we are brought into his agony, and we truly see  behind his emotional mask. He has nothing left, the only choice he has remaining is to disappear, leaving behind only his physical mask.

I was no longer just watching as an audience member, I was watching as a story teller. I was watching as someone who wanted to capture that pain.  I've written several scripts, but one in particular, I held nothing back, I let the pain out and took off my mask. It was absolutely terrifying, but I needed to let go of the mask that I hide behind.

The Phantom used his pain to create music. 

Its time to realize that my pain has made me.  I don't have to fear it.  It's time to channel my pain and create beauty.

Day #19

Yes, that bright ball in the center is the full moon from the other night.

Happily never after...

Over the weekend I watched “Four Weddings and a Funeral”, a movie I haven’t seen for who knows how long.  I forgot how funny it was, but it was also rather poignant because it was also a reminder of the fact that I’m single and have no prospects for any kind of a relationship. 

Most of the time, I'm really quite content to be single.  After almost 10 years of a marriage that I was really quite miserable with, I finally got up enough courage to leave.  Divorce was hard, but I'm so much happier being single.  It's been over 6 years since my divorce was finalized and for the most part I'm pretty okay with being single.  This is not to say that I want to stay single for the rest of my life, but right now, I've got so much going on, trying to fit someone else into the mix is a bit of a struggle.

Unfortunately today is one of those days that is reminding just how alone I’m feeling.  A good friend that I work with is engaged and will getting married in March.  I’m really happy for her but today is her birthday and her fiancé brought her flowers and donuts.  It’s those little things, the way that he treats her, that really makes me want to have a boyfriend.

My problem is that I’m very much like Fiona (from “Four Weddings and a Funeral”) “The truth is... well, the truth is, I have met the right person, and he's not in love with me, and until I stop loving him, no one else really has a chance.” 

Since I compare everyone I meet to the “perfect” guy that I’ve been in love with for something like 6 years, no one can compete.  Which is of course totally unfair to any potential love interests, but since I haven’t found anyone that seems even remotely interested in me, I suppose it’s a moot point. 

As I approach 40 (wow, that used to seem so far away), I’m really at a point where I’m far more comfortable with myself than I have ever been before.  I’m not rushing into relationships because I’m scared of being alone.  I’m not pining away for my unrequited love (or at least not too often). 

I’m good with being single, but sometimes I’m really tired of being alone.

ffFiona loves Charlie gg
Kinda how I love...

Day #18

The world needed a hug today.

Day #17

Beautiful glowing sunrise this morning.

Day #16

Visiting Temple Square to see the Christmas Lights with my cousin Trevor.

Life is good...Thanksgiving is better...

I realize that it's several days past Thanksgiving, but it's never to late to write down all of the things that I'm thankful for.  I realize that I have a whole lot of things that I'm grateful, sometimes probably more than I deserve. 

The most important things in my life are my kids.  For all the goofy things that they do and even though they're going through this stage where they can't help NOT poking and prodding each other to get a reaction.  One would think that it would get old after a while, but apparently not.  So even though they drive me crazy, I love them with all of my heart.

I'm also grateful to my mom and sister.  When my life came crashing down last year and I had absolutely nothing and no place to go, they took me and my kids in and helped get us back on our feet.  I know that we don't always see eye to eye about things, but I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without their love and support.

I'm grateful for the country that I live in, the United States.  So many people complain about all the things that are wrong with it, and I know that there are things that I get frustrated with, but my kids sleep in warm beds, have full tummies and don't have to worry about waking up to an air raid siren.  Even as a kid, I was always patriotic, but now more than ever, I truly appreciate all I have, especially because I see the world through the eyes of my children.

I have wonderful friends that make my life so much fuller and richer and who teach me all kinds of wonderful things and help me step outside of my comfort zone.

I have my own apartment, a functioning car (with AC and a heater-what a concept), three of the cutest turtles I've ever seen and a job with benefits.  

There are so many other things that I'm grateful for, and this blog could go on and on for pages as I try and list everything, but it really just comes down to the fact that my life is blessed.  While I've had my share of struggles, some that nearly destroyed me, they have made me a much better person.  I know that I have so much more to learn, but at least I'm on the right track. 

As I go through the rest of this holiday season, I just really need to keep a prayer of Thanksgiving in my heart.  There really is so much that is good in the world and if all you do is focus on the negative, you're going to miss it all. 

It's a privilege, not a right. Idiot!

Now I realize that people make mistakes while driving, I get it.  Accidents happen, that's why they're called "accidents".   I know that I'm certainly not perfect when it comes to driving, though I do try to do my best.  However when you go about deliberately and not only endanger yourself abut others driving on the road, you need your head examined.

I'm significantly calmer than I was last night, so I'm also more coherent than I would otherwise be had I tried to write this last night.  There is also going to be significantly less swearing than there was last night.

It was late, almost 9pm, and as we all know, it's pretty dark these days.  The kids and I had just finished grocery shopping and were heading home.  There were 2 left hand turn lanes, we were in the outside lane and had just turned onto Bangerter Highway.  After we turned, we signaled to get into the far right lane as the van next to us was also changing lanes, moving into the middle lane.  This is when the drama started.  Apparently the van didn't notice that there was a car in their blind spot.   It's a common mistake, I know that I've certainly made it.  The guy in the car honked to warn the van, which makes total sense, but instead of letting it go, it became on of the most ridiculous incidents of road rage I've ever seen.

Again, remember, this is dark, we're going about 50 miles per hour and I'm on the other side of this whole thing, just a few feet away.

The guy in the car cut off the person in the left hand lane and sped up so that he was traveling the same speed as the van.  He drove like that for several moments, during which time I was less than a car length behind the van and was passing.  Suddenly the guy in the car once again spend up, cutting off the van as he moved back into the middle lane.  Then slammed on his breaks and literally stopped in the middle of the road, right in front of the van.  

When the car did that, I was right next to the van.  

What would have happened if the van had to swerve to miss the idiot who had decided to completely stop in the middle of the road, in the dark, because he was mad?

Well chances are, the van would have swerved and there would have been a better than 75% chance that we would have been hit, we were that close.  Seconds later, I passed the car and in my rear view mirror, I could see the car stopped in the middle lane, right in front of the van with cars quickly backing up behind him.  A few seconds after that, as I was coming up on the next red light, I could see the car and the van moving again.  The van had pulled into the right turn lane and I watched as the car started to pull into the left turn lane, when he once again decided to change lanes and cut across three lanes of traffic and started following the van again as it turned the corner.  My light turned green and the last thing I saw as I drove past was the car once again driving side by side with the van.  The whole incident happened in less than 2 minutes, from the time it us to get from one light to the next.   It happened so fast that I wasn't even able to call the police.

And that's when I lost it and started swearing like a sailor in front of my poor children.

I've been in enough car accidents, the most recent of which was being in a head on collision with a drunk driver.  Thankfully my kids weren't in that accident, but last night was a different story.  

My children were in that car.  They are the most important people in my life and because some idiot couldn't keep his temper in check, they were in danger last night.  Change just one moment and things could have been significantly different.

Last night was a great reminder that we may be doing all that we can be doing to be safe, but there people out there who aren't and life can change in a heartbeat.  So this holiday season, don't drink and drive.  Find someone to give you a ride, get a designated driver, whatever.  Be safe, because you don't want to be responsible for irreparably changing the lives of others.

Remember, driving is a privilege, not a right!   

Day #15

A picture from my mom's yard, earlier this summer.  Finally got it off my camera. :)

Sick kids - spoilers - this is a kinda gross post

Every parent has experienced the pain and frustration of having a sick kid.  As a parent you would do everything that you could to make your child's pain go away.  And if you have a chronically sick child, the pain is even worse, because you want to help, but your hands are tied, especially when doctors aren't exactly sure what is wrong.

For the last several years, off and on, Xander has been dealing with some stomach trouble.  Because it comes and goes, when it's not happening, I haven't been the greatest about him getting looked at, but at the same time, without any symptoms, it makes it hard to trouble shoot.  But for the last several months, the poor kid has been absolutely miserable.  He's been struggling to keep food down and generally feeling like crap.  A couple of years ago, he had a barium swallow, but unfortunately there was no evidence of anything going on there.  

When his symptoms started back up, I called and was able to get on a waiting list to get an appointment - it was only 2 months out, so sure, that was going to work so well - NOT - for the pediatric gastroenterologist.  Then a family friend mentioned that their child dealt with the same problem and instead of being stomach related, it turned out to be infected adenoids.  Since Xander is congested like 90% of the time and always has gunk coming out of his nose, and it is often what he throws up. 

I did a 180 and contacted an ENT and managed to get in significantly quicker, only about a week and a half wait and our appointment was yesterday.  We met with the doctor and we talked about some less invasive options, but since we've been dealing with this for so long and have tried other things, he agreed to go more in depth.  So one xray and one nasal probe later, Xander is scheduled for surgery in 2 weeks to get his adenoids taken out.

I can hardly wait because hopefully Xander will be able to start feeling better.  He's such an outgoing kid when he feels good, and watching him feel sick just breaks my heart.  I'm really grateful that Xander should be feeling much better soon. I realize that all things considered, his tummy troubles are minor and there are other families who are dealing with far more serious problems, but this is just one more example of things happening in my life that has been teaching me all kinds of things: patience, empathy, sympathy and more patience.

Here's to helping all the sick kids out there.  I hope that you all get well soon!

Day #14

Freaking amazing sunrise this morning!

Day #13

I sit in a cubicle all day that doesn't have windows.  This is my way of bringing some nature into my life.

Day #12

This was a gorgeous sunrise from a few days ago.  I love the cloud formations.

Tic... Tic... Tic...

For the last 18 months or so, I've been fortunate to have a job.  One where I have insurance and a regular paycheck and some other nice benefits.   While it's not what I ultimately want to do with my life, I'm quite grateful for the job and it's helping me pay off bills and generally improve the quality of life.  Unfortunately, I got a huge wake up call today, something that I knew was coming, but it has really hit me today.  Technically I'm not a permanent full time employee.  My position is payed by for by a grant and that grant funding ends at the end of June 2013.  Hopefully I'll be able to stay on, I like being able to eat and sleep with a roof over my head.

But it's a double edged sword.  

My job takes up so much time and mental energy that it's hard for me to do the other things that I want to do.  Yes, I know that I waste a lot of time, and I feel like I'm making excuses (which I am), but the brain can only run at full capacity for so long.  Then there are my kids who demand time and attention and I already suck at that.  There are a million and one excuses that I've made for myself.

Now, I have a clock that is ticking down and I have about 8 months to come up with a game plan in case this job ends.  

I'm actually in an interesting place.  I know that it is coming, as opposed to being caught completely off guard.  I've been in the process of paying off lots of debt and while far from being debt free, it's almost down to nothing but student loans.  I have several months to save up some money and work on my food storage.  I'm not completely depressed like I was last year, when there were days that I could barely get out of bed or off the couch, and while there are days that I don't feel like doing much, in general, I'm functioning closer to 100% than I have in a long time.  

I work best with a hard deadline as opposed to some random date in the future, so it's time for me to get my act together and finally actually pursue my dreams and stop making excuses.  The incubation period is over, I'm no longer in a cocoon.  

Time to break out and spread my wings.  

Day #12 - Finding my happy place...

After dealing with two very grumpy kids last night and this morning, I'm finding my happy place....

Day #11

I've been writing about Xander the last couple of days and I thought it only fair that I talk about my "baby" girl, Marquella, who is as tall as me.  We're working on her science fair tonight.  Should be fun.  I hope. :)

He's 13...Heaven help us!

So it's official, as of 6am this morning, I am the proud mother of a teenager, all 5'0", 130 lbs of grumpy, frustrating, loving and generally a pretty darn good kid.

I think that the scariest thought in the above sentence is the fact that I'm now the mother of a teenager.  When did I get old enough to have a kid, let alone a teenager. As I approach the end of my 30's, *gasp* *choke*, I realize that I so don't feel that old.   Well, my body does, it's falling apart all around me, but the rest of me still feels pretty young, but when I look at Xander, I realize that he's learned so much, but has so much father to go on his journey.  

I know that there isn't enough money in the world for me to even remotely consider going back to junior high.  Heck, when I went to visit his school on "take your parent to school day", I fully realized that I could only handle being around a bunch of awkward, smelly, obnoxious, shy, ridiculously tall and ridiculously short hormonal teens for a very short amount of time.  I know that sometimes I think life is unfair and that responsibility sucks, but then I realize that things could be worse.

So, all things considered, I guess I'm okay with the whole getting older and having a teenager (soon to be 2 teenagers).  Growing younger is a much scarier proposition because I don't think I could face junior high again.

Day #10

It's official.  Xander is 13 and I'm getting old.  Happy Birthday Bug!!!!!

Day #9

Due some technical difficulties, I have decided to only upload daily photos Monday-Friday until I can get them resolved.  In the meantime, enjoy the snow fall from this weekend.  It was an absolutely gorgeous day. :)

Day #8

So this is a the DVD cover assignment that I made for my photoshop class at school.  I chose to do it on my film.  Go figure. :) Someday that will really be REAL!

Day #7

This is the Monastery at Monte Cassino in Italy.  In WW2, a very famous battle  happened here, one that helped change the course of the war.  It's also the inspiration for the script that I'm working on.

An...ti...ci...pa...tion!

Over the last several months, I participated in the CAPs (Citizens Assisting Police) program and last week I had my "graduation".  It was a really cool experience and I now have the opportunity to volunteer with the police department.  I am totally psyched about it because it will give me the opportunity to do ride alongs and anything else that they can come up with based on the unique skill base that I possess.

There are two really good reasons why volunteering will be such a great opportunity: 

#1 When my kids are gone on the weekends, there are many times when I'm home alone and bored out of my skull.  It will also get me out of the house and because I waste a RIDICULOUS amount to time doing absolutely nothing, this will help me feel like I'm actually doing something worthwhile.

#2 Because of said ridiculous time wasting, one of the things that I'm NOT doing is working on my screenplays, which is a very bad thing because I'm not going to get very far in my goals to become a film maker.  Besides, I will learn more about law enforcement which will help me with my screenplays which is a total BONUS! First hand experience is always very effective.

In the meantime, I'm at work, almost functioning. I just have to get through the day so I can look forward to the things that I'm really want to do.  

Day #6

Lets not forget all that American stands for.

Election time...so glad it's over...

So last night, I finally got around to voting.  Never have I voted such a crazy ticket before.  I voted for Libertarians, Republicans and Democrats.  Heck, for the first time, I voted against a judge and there were a few places where I didn't even cast a vote because I didn't know who it was that was running.

Some of the people I voted for won, some didn't, but I know that I voted my conscious and I have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.  I know that there are a lot of really disappointed people this morning, on both sides of things I'm sure, I know that I am about a few things, but I hope that this election didn't end friendships or relationships because the elections are transitory, but family and friends are forever.  

I'm glad that I voted, even though, I had a a rough time of it, trying to make the right decision, but I am grateful for the opportunity to vote and for all those who sacrificed much to give me the opportunity.  I hope that we can move past the labels and once again identify ourselves as Americans.

Day #5

My crazy boy who is going to be 13 in less than a week!!!!

Turning 13! It's not possible.

Last night, Xander and I had the evening alone together because Marquella is at her dad's this week.  Xander wanted to just hang out with me (he's not yet embarrassed to be seen with me, which is something I really need to cherish), so we stopped at the game store that is by our house and spent some time wandering around together.  Eventually the sales guy came over and we started talking D & D (Dungeons and Dragons for the uninitiated).  I just have to say that my son is really pretty darn funny.  He was telling the stories of his "adventures" and completely acting them out.  

As much as I wish that Xander would stay young forever, I'm also glad that he's growing up.  He turns 13 next week, which is something I still can't believe, but last night he made me realize what a good kid he's turning into and starting to become the man that I want him to be.  I'm glad that I get to be his mom in this crazy adventure called life.  I've only got a few more years to hang out with him, but it should be a blast.

Day #4 - A few days late

My graduation from the citizens police academy. :) Now I get to start volunteering with the police which should be very cool.

Death...only slightly warmed over....

Yesterday I had a minor procedure on my jaw because it has been locked for, oh, the last 6 months.  So needless to say I'm very grateful to have it over and being able to open my jaw, but even a minor procedure where they knock you out, really takes it out of you.  Besides, who doesn't like drug induced dreams?  It was those drug induced dreams though gave me some really exciting ideas that popped into my head early this morning.  Since this blog is supposed to be about my journey to become a film maker, it's only appropriate that I actually write about said journey.

For the last year and a half I've been working on a screenplay, a time traveling action romance that takes place during WW2.  It's the one that I went to LA to pitch and that got some interest while I was out there.  It's also the script that I panicked over and never sent. It's a moot point now and I'm moving past that.  

Anyway, I've been trying to figure out how on earth I would be able to shoot this film.  I never figured that there would be anyway that I would ever be allowed to direct it.  I know that I need to get a feature film under my belt and I figured that I would do that with my script, "Watch Me Disappear".  While I love the script, I realize that it really won't be a commercially viable script, but it would probably do really well on the festival circuit.  I also know that overall it's not the kind of film that I want to make on a regular basis.  I would much rather make action adventure, science fiction type films. 

So going back to my time traveling action romance script with the working title "Just After a Lifetime", I really though that it would just be too big for a first time film maker.  Which leads me to the brilliant (though it could mostly be the drugs) idea that I had this morning.  The script was written for the most part to take place in a single location and with a relatively small cast.  I think in the back of my mind, I figured that the only way it was ever going to sell.  But its just those parameters that made me think that I might just be able to shoot this film after all.

It goes back to a film that was shot here in Utah several years ago called "Saints and Soldiers".  It's a WW2 film that has basically a single location and a minimal cast and shot for about a million dollars.  While I'd love to say that I have a million dollars just sitting in my back pocket, I don't, but it's because I know that film was shot here in Utah that I know that I can shoot most of "Just After a Lifetime" here in Utah.  There would need to be some location work, and oh darn, we'd have to go to Italy, but it's entirely within the realm of reality for me to direct.  

Now that I'm not in complete survival mode, it's really just time for me to stop being scared of putting my scripts out there and start contacting some of the local producers here and see if I can get some traction and see what it would REALLY take for me to get a feature film under my belt. 

In the meantime, I think I'm going to crawl back under the covers for a little while longer to see what other strange and wonderful drug induced dreams might come my way.

Day #3

Halloween 2012 haul.  Kinda ridiculous if you ask me.

That's life...

Several years ago, while in New York, I saw Gypsy with Bernadette Peters and just now, as I've been listening to my Broadway station on Pandora, the song, "Rose's Turn" from Gypsy came on.  Rose sings about her life and wanting take control of her life and she's making things happen for her instead of living her life vicariously through others.

It totally hit me like a rock, because that is sometimes how I feel about life and it made me want to try and want to say something profound, but really it just reminded me that I need to get back to my philosophy of living a life of no regrets because I know that I'm what I'm supposed to be doing if it's not exactly where I want to be.

But guess what? That's life.

This is my last year in my 30's and while turning 40 next year is a rather daunting thought, I also know I've never been more comfortable in my skin.  I look at my kids and the challenges that they are now and will face in the future and I am so glad that I don't have to deal with them.

So here's the last several months in my 30's.  I'm moving forward with my baby-steps.  Soon I'll be running marathons.  

Day #2

I wish that my cell phone could capture the sunrise and moon set this morning even half as good as my eyes do.  But for now.  Day #2.

What's the worst they can say?

In a conscious effort to unlock the words that seems to be trapped in my brain, I also need to get over my otherwise irrational fear of writing as of late.  I think it started when I went to LA earlier this year for a pitch-fest.  Needless to say, I was completely terrified, but I had lots of people definitely interested in my my work and I left LA feeling pretty darn good. Fast forward several months, I still haven't actually sent off my scripts.

Intellectually, I know that the worst they can say is "No", but it seem so much bigger in real life.  

A short time ago, because of my familiarity of working the college system and knowing the right people to talk to, I was asked to offer some advice to another single mom who wasn't sure where to begin when it came to going back to school. When I asked about this woman a short time later, she still hadn't applied and the comment back was basically that she was happier with the status quo than doing anything about changing it and it occurred to me that it was probably fear.

Now, I wasn't scared to go back to school, it was other challenges that I was dealing with at the time, but I can completely relate to the fear of stepping outside of yourself and putting your heart out there for the possibility of someone to stomp on it.  Sharing my writing with friends has never been an issue.  Inside, I knew that if they didn't like the story, they at least still liked me.  

Sharing work for the first time in a professional capacity is far FAR scarier.  I've submitted to contests before, but I knew the odds going in and while I dreamed that things would happen, I also kept myself in a rational - one might say pessimistic - frame of mind.  I had convinced myself that there was no way that I could ever possibly win a contest, there were so many people entering that it would be too hard for my work to stand out against so many others.

For the first time in my life though, I had people - producers and film makers - who actually wanted to read my material.  They spoke to me and wanted more from me.  

When I got home, I froze.  Total deer in the headlights and it paralyzed me.  

Instead of taking my spare time and writing, I plopped myself down in front of the television and I've spent the last 6 months completely vegging out.  

Talk about self sabotage.  Even though I knew exactly what I was doing, I was unable to stop.  

As the 100,000,000 puzzle pieces of my life have started to come together, I'm starting to see sections of the puzzle that are starting show pictures and tell stories.  I'm starting to feel more complete.  I totally wish I was farther along, but it makes no sense whatsoever to beat myself up over it. 

It's like my weight loss journey, if I screw up one meal or one day or even a week, I can get back up and make better choices the next time.  So that's what I'm doing with my writing.  I'm not going to let my fears hold me back and I'm going to start putting my work out there.

Besides, what's the worst thing they can say?  "No."  It's really not that scary of a word after all.

30 day picture challenge - Day 1

In an effort to make sure that I log in and make a daily post, I have decided to do a 30 day photo challenge.  I take tons of pics with my phone, but never share them.  So here's day #1.

Getting back in the groove...

For quite a long time, I was a fairly regular blogger, but then some concerns about a custody battle caused me to stop then I just stopped writing all together.  Needless to say, after several years of pent up writers block, I'm determined to get over myself and anxiety. I'm gonna take baby steps getting back into the writing thing.  

It's what I've been doing with my exercise routine.  Now I walk 4-5 times a week for approximately 45 minutes and I also lift weights for about 15 minutes 4-5 times a week.  This wasn't an immediate change.  It was something that I had to work up to and now I'm starting to see results.  My biceps are starting to get really defined and while I still have old lady under arms, I can even almost feel some triceps developing under the flab.  I've even been able to wear some clothes that I haven't been able to for a long time and they actually fit better than they did when I first got them.

I've got lots of good things going on in my life and even though the last several years have caused me great amounts of grief, I don't have to let it get me down any more.  

So no more excuses.  It's time for for me to get back into the groove.  

One small step for Tami....