365 days of 40 #27

Smoldering. 

365 days of 40 #26

Insomnia sucks,  but it can be almost useful.  I figured out the rest of my script. But being too tired to write later is bad cause I can't focus.  That's why this picture is from lagoon.

The carrot or the stick

Have you ever wondered what motivates you to do something and why you would go out of your way to do it? Or not as the case may be.  

The summer has been really hard for me, I know I've wasted a lot of time when I could have done something more productive. Part of the problem was that the kids were home during the day and I wanted to play with them. Sometimes we just sat around and watched marathon episodes of Psych or Burn Notice or most recently Hell on Wheels. The stress of not finding a job right away has also been weighing heavily on me, and really hasn't helped my creativity at all.

But as of Monday, the kids are back in school and I need to find something that is going to help me be more productive when it comes to my writing, my job, and moving forward in my career as a filmmaker.

The last few days I've been thinking continuously about two different projects, just after a lifetime, (the Italian script) and my television series idea. Then there are the random scenes from other projects that keep popping up in my head when I'm trying to focus on something else.

Oh well, at least the creativity is finally coming back, even if the organization to get things done isn't... yet. I'm actually feeling pretty good and I almost have the confidence to think that both ideas are cool.

Just after a lifetime is almost complete, three quarters of the way done. I'm just struggling with writing the last action sequences before the end. I've got lots of scenes in my head, that unfortunately I just can't seem to get them on paper. I guess that is the problem of all writers everywhere. I really want to take advantage of the fact that the kids are gone and I'm still not working and finish up the script in the next week or so. I know it can be done, it's not that many pages, especially when I get going.

Want to know what is really helping me move forward?

I really, really want to talk to you know who.

Of course that's really bad for my mental well-being, but I just can't seem to help myself. There's just something about being able to talk to him that keeps me going when all other things that should be motivating me aren't. And the reason for my particular deadline? His birthday is coming up, and I want to be able to talk to him and tell him that I finished my script. 

Pretty stupid right?

I should be focusing on getting my script ready to sell or at least send off to different producers or managers or other people that are in the position to help me get my film made, but I keep thinking about him. I guess there's part of me that knows I'll be putting myself out there, but if I just start with sharing with just one person it might be easier to send out to others.

Of course, I really want him to like the script, so that actually might help me make it a better script in the long run.

Who knows? But I better get going,  I don't have that much time left.

365 days of 40 #25

Odd collection of tasks, times and things today, so here's a picture to help bring order back to my life.

365 days of 40 #24

Not quite raindrops on roses, but still pretty cool.

365 days of 40 #23

My adorable kids on their 1st day of school.

365 days of 40 #22

It's the beginning of the end.  Tomorrow I no longer have children in elementary school,  both are in middle school.  Only 6 more years till they are out of school.  I find this very ...

365 days of 40 #21

This was the visitor that I had on my wall today.  Yes, it really was that big.

Of course,  because of its size,  it never made it out of the house alive.

365 days of 40 #19 and 20

Oops,  got busy and missed last night because of the power outage that lasted for several hours.  Awesome storm though. If I can figure out how to capture a frame from the video footage I took,  I'll post a pic of the lightning. In the meantime,  here are 2 pics to make up for it. 
One is the mileage on my car, I thought was interesting.  The other is the sunset tonight.  

365 days of 40 #18

Because who doesn't like peacocks. 

365 days of 40 #17

Chill day and watched Hell on Wheels with Xander, then did some back to school shopping.  This was the full moon that we saw when we got home. 

365 days of 40 #16

Amazing day with the kids,  Tiffany and her kids. 

365 days of 40 #15

Spent the day with Xander watching a Hell on Wheels marathon.  He's such a funny kid. 

365 days of 40 #14

I don't live near the ocean these days,  but watching Shark Week has been making me miss the beach.

365 days of 40 #13

She's got bigger feet than me, but since she's also taller than me,  it's too be expected.

365 days of 40 #12

It's been a pretty good day,  hanging with my daughter,  she's been reading to me from her book.

365 days of 40 #11

We've had lots of fires around the state. This is from the smoke above my house.

365 days of 40 #10

20 years ago my life was irrevocably changed when my brother passed away. I can't believe how much I miss him.

365 days of 40 #9

Today was awesome just hanging with my hopefully soon to be nephews.  I can't post pictures of them,  so I'm posting pics of my 4 legged furry niece and nephew. . 

365 days of 40 #8

Got busy yesterday,  so here's the post, only a little late. Another picture from City Creek.

365 days of 40 #7

Hanging downtown with the kids today.  Trying to make the most of being unemployed and spending time with them.  :-)

365 days of 40 #6

Finally went and got to see the new Star Trek film, with the kids and my friend. Better late than never I suppose. I also discovered how to use punctuation with the voice control, it's definitely going to make writing blogs whole lot easier. The day ended by watching my favorite shows from Shark Week. Overall a pretty fantastic day.

Today's adventure

My kids are growing up,  I see evidence of that everyday.  Today though,  I thought we'd try something new.  I took the kids and one of their friends downtown and dropped them off with a map of where they could and couldn't go and let them have at it.
 
They took trax, walked, got lost and found again.  They had a blast, and came back,  I think, a little more confident in themselves.

I think before school starts,  we're going to do that one more time,  and do a photo scavenger hunt as well. 

The next few years are going to be critical. I hope that if I give them the opportunity to go on adventures to spread their wings and give just a little nudge without completely kicking them out of the nest, they will learn to be more responsible and confident because I trusted them to enough that they could make good choices, and when they make mistakes,  they will know that they are capable of fixing them.

365 days of 40 #5

From the top of the downtown Salt Lake City library looking up 4th South.

No good deed...

Normally, I try and be really positive about things, and I've tried hard to not bad mouth my ex,  but today I just can't.   He feels absolutely no responsibility towards his children and has done everything in his power to get away with not paying child support and unfortunately, the courts are letting him get away with that. 

The court and in this case the judge,  in its infinite wisdom,  thought that even though I brought to the table tons of evidence of his complete non involvement for years,  6 months of good behavior was enough to wipe it out,  and then,  to put icing on an already very bitter cake, he doesn't have to even pay back child support. 

He gets to have his cake and eat it too,  but I'm getting food stamps because I can't afford cake. 

I get that judges are trying to be fair to fathers,  but I think sometimes they go too far in the other direction. 

I have bent over backwards to try and accomodate him and yet, this is one of the things that annoys me the most, is that he accused me of trying to screw him over.  How? By asking him to actually contribute to the quality of life for his kids?  It's not that I even wanted that much money,  just more than the $100 I was getting now.   Yes,  that really is one hundred, not a typo. 

There's not anything I can do now,  but suck it up and move on and hope that when he realizes that his kids can't really stand to be around him, it won't be too late to fix the damage that he caused.

365 days of 40 #4

Today's post is courtesy of my trip downtown,  to court today dealing with my ex-husband once again. 

365 days of 40 #3

Tonight I got invited to have a girls night with my sister and some of her friends.  It was a nice chill evening just doing the whole girl thing and b then we watched a movie under the stars. 

This picture is from the decorations on the hostess's kitchen table.

365 days of 40 #2

My sister gave me this bracelet a couple of years ago for my birthday, it really sums up my life.

"Not all who wander are lost. "

365 days of 40 #1

I've decided to document 365 days of 40, to see just what this year can bring.  Besides, I have a new camera.  Need to make the most of it.  So here I go.  #1

A glimpse of the beautiful world around me.  

So this is 40

I've been thinking all day about it, but today is a new milestone in my life.

40

That is a big scary number to be sure.  No long can I say that I'm in my 30's.  It's finally come, the big 4-0. Forty, 40, or XL if you prefer Roman numerals.  No matter how you write it, it's still a big change.

As tempting as it is to look back on my life and wonder about all the what ifs and could have beens, my life has been made up of hads and dones.  All of which have made my life fuller and more rich than I ever imagined.

First of all, the things that are most precious to me in the world are my kids.  I don't think my struggle of balancing my dreams vs having my kids will ever go away, and that is just something that I'm going to have to work on.  But at the same time, as I look at them growing up, I see some pretty amazing people that I'm grateful to know not only as their mom, but as their friend.  The relationship that I have with them is really a lot of fun.  I know that I still have a long way to go when it comes to being a better parent, but each step I take is one step closer to reaching those goals.

I've done a lot of different things in my life.  While I haven't traveled the world like I have wanted, I have still managed to travel a lot of this country and seen some pretty amazing things.  I've even been to 3 countries and almost 3/4 of the states.

Once again I find myself unemployed, but I'm trying to make the most the situation that I'm in. I'm applying for jobs that previously I would have been scared to apply for, and getting interviews, and while I haven't yet gotten a job, the fact that I have gotten interviews means I'm on the right track.

I'm putting myself out more and more when it comes to my writing.  I joined a writer's group and submitted my script, Watch Me Disappear. It was the first time that I had allowed more than one person at a time to read the script, the whole script.  I know that the topic is hard for people to understand, but having someone tell me that they thought the script was beautiful and compelling, despite the content, made me feel fantastic. It totally gave me a boost as I ponder what I hope will be the last rewrite before I approach a producer and get this film made.

I'm still working on my other script and it's coming along, not as fast as I would like but still moving on. I'm just stuck on the last little bit before it gets to the end, which thankfully I have written.

When I turned 20, 40 seemed so far away. Now it's here and I can't believe it, but I am looking forward to the future and seeing where things go.

I'm feeling pretty darn confident that the next 20 years are going to be fantastic.