Back in the Saddle

It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote a blog.  The last entry I wrote was the night that my dad died.  It's now been almost two years since his passing and I guess I'm finally ready to start opening up about the last few years.  There has been so much that has happened, that I have learned and grown and done.  There is absolutely no way that I'll be able to capture the last few years in a single entry, but the goal today is to let the words go.   

Sometimes the words get stuck inside, desperate to be let out but because the feelings are so close to the surface, I literally can't let them go because it would mean that I have to feel them.  I would have to address them and that is just too painful.  No one wants to rip off the bandage that they are using to keep the wounds from bleeding everywhere and just creating a gigantic mess for everyone.  Then, you get you used to bandage being there and it doesn’t matter how completely smelly and disgusting it is, you’d rather keep it on because you’ve gotten used to it.  You don’t want to see the scar underneath, because you’re afraid of what will be waiting for you. 

That’s how I’ve been for a long time.  Keeping the bandage of loneliness on, afraid to see just how raw the scars underneath are.  I’ve used a variety of excuses from being in school, to needing to be home for my kids.  I’ve even used the excuse that I was in love with someone, even though that person had absolutely no idea.  It was easier to have an unrequited love and it was easier than opening myself up to the potential that my heart could be ripped to shreds and there would be nothing left of me.

I think a lot of my hesitation was the fact that there were a lot of things that I was still dealing with when it came to the end of my marriage.  Even though I was the one that finally called it quits, there was a lot of psychological damage that was done that took a long time for me to come to grips.  That’s why I moved to Florida.  I needed a fresh start.  There were a multitude of ups and downs, but the distance helped me.  I just was never felt confident in anything about myself for me to really put myself out there.

I got back to Utah and the roller coaster ride continued.  Between job struggles and some pretty severe depression, I was in no place to even think about tackling a relationship.  It was all I could do to barely take care of myself and my two munchkins. 

It’s not been till the last couple of years, really after my dad’s death, that I decided that I was able to maybe even think about putting myself out into the dating world. 

Nothing like losing someone close to you to make you readjust your priorities.  I’ve always had this philosophy of living my life to the fullest and having no regrets.  For the most part, I was pretty good at this.  I’d do all kinds of stuff with my kids and kept myself busy, but there was also part of me that had become numb.  I’d joke that I was happily divorced and couldn’t fathom the idea of dating anyone.  Just more excuses. 

The kids would spend their weekends at their dad’s house and I would have weekends to myself.  I’d stay home and clean my house.  After a while that got really old and occasionally I’d go out with friends.  It took time, but things were finally happening and I was finally feeling in control of my life.  It’s amazing how having a steady job and income that will allow you pay your bills will help one’s outlook on life. 

I started getting back to the happy version of my life.

I shot my web series and while I’m still trying to get that finished up, I kept plugging away.

I wrote another script.

I planned my first vacation in years that was a year in the making and just got back from a freaking awesome trip to the Pacific Northwest with my kids and best friend.

I got a promotion and a raise.

I applied to and got into grad school for film. 

I also dealt with what would have been my 20^th wedding anniversary and 10^th anniversary of my divorce becoming final.

I think that was what finally clicked in my brain.  I’d been alone for TEN years.  Well not alone, alone.  I have my kids, other family and friends. Unfortunately, when you’re laying alone in bed, fighting back tears, it’s really hard to fight the all-consuming loneliness that can completely overtake you.  It’s hard to tell your friends and impossible to tell you kids.

Finally, it was time to take off the bandage and believe me, it needed it.  It was soooo gross, but I was shocked to find out that the scar wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it had been. Sure, it was still pink and sensitive to the touch, but it wasn’t the gaping wound that I’d thought it would be.

I decided to jump back in with the sharks.  Needless to say, the first experience was a bit challenging.  I started talking to someone and was flattered by the attention, but there were red flags going off in the background.  

It took me about a week and then I learned that I could reverse image search and discovered that I was talking to a scammer and they’d stolen someone’s identity. Because I am who I am, I went looking and found the real guy who’s life was stolen and solidified a new screenplay idea that had been floating around in my brain for years.  I wrote 15 pages in 3 days.  I hit a minor road block with the story, but I really want to work on that script when I start grad school. 

Okay, so one down.  Time for the next at bat.  

It was at this time, I got into the 2^nd of 3 car accidents in about 4 months.  I got backed into while picking up my munchkin and it required they replace my rear passenger door.  Super annoying, but it came with the side effect of me texting the guy that hit me.  We seemed to hit it off and I thought things were getting interesting, but he was off on a three week National Guard drill.  Just a couple of days before he got back, he suddenly stopped texting me. 

Crap.  Oh well, next!

I thought my luck was changing when I met up with someone for coffee.  We hit it off and I had a great make out session.  It was so nice to feel wanted for a change.

Suddenly there were three all at once.   For a few weeks, I went out several different times, with several different guys but ultimately, all of those fizzled out. 

Next! Became my mantra, but there was no time to dwell on the negatives.  It was vacation time!

I got to hang out with my kids and do some awesome stuff and even had one phone call with someone who sounded interesting.

He was.  We met a few days after I got back from vacation, the day after the 3^rd car accident that I’d had.  This accident, while it did less damage to my car, was significantly more damaging to me.  I was feeling completely depressed and remarkably grumpy when he brightened my day.

We met up and hit it off.  There was even a great make out session involved.  And then we went out a several more times.  I found myself starting to fall for him, but in the back of my mind, I knew that things probably weren’t going to work out and just a few days before my birthday, I found myself getting the whole, “let’s just be friends”. 

To say I wasn’t a bit crushed would be an understatement, but I was classy and cool. 

I’d known that there were going to be some challenges, not the least of which was our age difference and the fact that I knew that he was going to want kids.  I don’t.  I only have a few short years left and then my relationship with my kids will change. 

It took a few days and listening to lots of relationship videos – from trying to get him back to letting him go to how to be a better date.  My YouTube history is quite the graveyard of videos that I’ve watched over the last few weeks.

I finally came to the conclusion that it was okay and that if we could still be friends, I’d like that.  There were just too many other things that we had in common (having more filmmaking friends is always a good thing).  We’ll just have to see with that one, things are still a little too close to the surface emotionally, because rejection sucks.  I do have to hand it to him though, he didn’t drag it out and I really appreciate that.

I also decided to brush myself off and work on getting back out into the dating field, which leads me to tonight.

I had a date scheduled, but he got off work late and we needed to reschedule.  Again, super sucky, but life happens.  That’s when I listened to a video that just was able to put everything into perspective for me.

Yes, rejection sucks and it hurts and makes you feel about 2 inches tall.  Acknowledge the rejection and realize that it’s okay to feel that pain.  It means that I’m being brave and putting myself out there and allowing myself to love again.  Not a bad thing.

So… here I am.  Looking back at my life the last few years.  Really, truly, my life has lots of amazing things happening in it.  Certainly, more wear and tear on the joints.  Seriously, my knees suck, but I’m still alive in spite of everything. 

I’m still capable of love and while it would be nice if I was numb again, I don’t want to go back there.  Numb is bad.  Numb means that I’m going to miss the warning signs of something being wrong but it also means that I’m going to miss it if someone is going really well.

Time really does heal all wounds, just some take longer than others.  So here’s to a few more bruises and scrapes.  It just comes with the territory.  This time, no more leaving a super gross bandage on something that no longer needs it. 

I’m facing my life…  All of my life.